For Narnia

High schoolers are so hyper when they all get together. I guess that’s one of many reasons I love them. Tri-Lakes Younglife is definitely a manic group sometimes. Jerome (my car) and I headed off to go pick up a few kids from the skate park in Monument. Reid (another Younglife leader) came with and we were talking about the perfect new REI jackets we received from committee for Christmas. There is something about fleece jackets that just make you feel so native to Colorado. After jamming out to – embarrassingly—“Love Like Whoa” twice we arrive to the skate park to pick up Davin, Alex, George, and Cole. “Fancy” by Drake is another Younglife favorite (the clean version of course) so we bust that out whilst conveniently tucking Cole’s name into the lyrics. “Oh Cole’s fancy huh?”

Hollywood theater was waiting for us as well as the bursts of laughter from the rest of our group. We were seeing the new Narnia movie and I was trying my best to contain my excitement. Total nerd alert with how much I love and respect C.S. Lewis. As I went around hugging the teens I hadn’t seen yet and then being sneak attacked piggy backed by Brooke, I decided to go say hi to all the other leaders. Blake and his wife Dani also had their new jackets on as Dani and I laughed about how we matched. Twinzies. Jeremy gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing some of the kids. I high fived Josh and then made my way to Evette. Oh, how much I respect Evette. Evette has been involved with Younglife for over 30 years and simply is saturated with Christ. Every time I see her and speak to her, I feel closer to my Savior. She is one of those people who just, gets It.


Evette lost her husband, Mark, this year to a long battle with cancer. Last year I sat at a Younglife club night and listened to her give a talk before Mark passed about trusting in God. She could barely get her words out as she spoke through sobs. “I’m scared, but I know He will take care of me.” Silent, unspoken tears trailed down my face. I could barely wrap my mind around what Evette was saying. This year at club, Evette spoke about the Lord being a good shepherd. “Mark was a tangible example of Christ to me,” she said, “and now… Now I have Christ himself.” I pray that I have the relationship and faith that Evette does someday.

As I held back my tears at the end of Narnia, dwelling on the words of Aslan, and ultimately longing for heaven I heard a sniffle from behind me. Evette was wiping tears from off her beautiful face… my eyes instantly were invaded by tears. She spoke to me about how she read those books to her children many times. I spoke of how Lewis does an amazing job painting spiritual wonders. Evette looked at me through her wise eyes and tear stained face, “The longing in my heart is so great.”

I was shaken. Do I long for Heaven, for my King to return and make all things new?

Romans 8:22-24 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved.

Do I long? Rarely. Do I weep at the thought of seeing my Savior? Hardly. Oh that Christ may soften my calloused heart. I bet Evette thinks of Heaven daily, and that is now my prayer as well. May the longing in our hearts be great. I need to spend more time with Evette and learn from her I’ve decided. What an amazing woman God has placed into my life that I earnestly desire to learn from.

Walking out of that movie theater, driving Brooke and Maddy home, I had a deep self evaluation. There are many things Christ has changed in me, and there are many things still needing to change. As I pulled into my driveway and turned off Jerome’s engine I sat in my car. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick, I couldn’t leave. I dwelt in that moment and in His presence. I wanted to be still and know that He is God.

My thoughts were soon interrupted Stevie Wonder's “Sign Sealed Delivered” as my ringtone on my phone. Dang. As I pushed my key into the lock of my door and jimmied it to open I went into my room and read Revelations 22:1-5.

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign forever and ever.”

“You have returned for a reason. Your adventure begins now.” -Aslan

Who I am is Whose I am

Boring is the typical word I used to describe Thanksgiving with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I adore my grandparents and parents… but I can only pretend to be interested in political discussions for so long. I was elated to know that David (my brother) and Meredith (my sister-in-law) would be joining us this year. Potential discussions of ministry, theology, and memories of us being kids were on the horizon.

Something happened this Thanksgiving though that no preparation would have sufficed. The mash potatoes and stuffing had neatly been tucked away in the fridge as pie and coffee was served. David and Grandpa sat across from me in arm chairs as Meredith, my Nana, and I convened on the sofa. We listened to one of my favorite stories that I have heard dozens of times but could hear a hundred times more and that same smile would leak across my face. The story of how quickly my grandparents fell in love and were married… two weeks, people. When you know, you know I guess. I smiled and thought about how quickly David and Meredith were married. It must be a family thing. My Nana continued to tell the story of how God orchestrates our lives. I rarely hear my grandparents speak of their faith and my Nana’s words jolted my spirit.

“My self worth, who I am, comes ultimately from Him. All I know and need to know is that I am a child of God, and therefore I am more loved than I could have imagine and that is what makes me who I am.”

As words continued to drip from her lips I was reminded of Proverbs 31:26:

“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

I could have cried in that moment. There is something so powerful about sitting with three generations of your family and knowing that you all are completely in love with the Lord. That was the first time I ever knew that with all my heart. Just as Christ orchestrated the meeting of my grandparents, so He also wove together that moment for my heart. Who are we that you are mindful of the Billingsleas Lord? What a blessing to know that my children may grow up with Godly great grandparents and grandparents. The Holy Spirit’s presence in the room was thick, nearly tangible. My name is Rebecca Mary Billingslea, and I have the honor of carrying my Nana's name as my middle name. May I be as steadfast as her in her faith. I look forward to the day I arrive on the shores of heaven to be greeted by my Savior and my Nana and Grandpa.

Proverbs 16:31, “Gray hair is the a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”

Rescue

Stinging pain and striving all my days
Seamless pride. Your essence escapes me
I turn my eyes from You.
Where’s my rescue?
Placing Your placid hand upon the crest of my back
Your whisper is sweet to my ear.
Pray head to what You say
For You speak the deepest secrets of my heart.
Clenched soul and fist full of dissent.
Where’s my rescue?
Fractured and dysfunctional. Incapable of reprieve
Yet Your judgment is filled with compassion
My lips speak words which my soul does not agree.
So we dance under this cloak of civility.
I’m broken and beaten and worthless to You.
Swiftly come, for You are my rescue.

What is the Bible About?

My beloved brother showed this video to me. What a beautiful yet harsh message Tim Keller exemplifies. This is definitely worth the watch.

Frisbee and the Holy of Holies

I think there are just certain moments in life where you are encased under the umbrella of holiness. There are short moments in life where God invites you so deeply into the Holy of Holies. Now there is a voluminous amount written in the Old Testament about the Tabernacle, Temple, the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies. We don’t have time for that but it’s definitely worth studying. (I remember in 7th grade I had to make a miniature model of what the temple grounds looked like…I pray that my cardboard, popsicle stick, Ark of the Covenant and tissue paper veil that divided the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies is not even close to this past reality.)

“Within the Holy Place of the tabernacle, there was an inner room called the Holy of Holies, or the Most Holy Place. Judging from its name, we can see that it was a most sacred room, a place no ordinary person could enter. It was God’s special dwelling place in the midst of His people. No human voice could be heard, only God’s.”

Since the veil has been torn, I believe there are moments that God invites us into “a place no ordinary person could enter”; a place that everything goes numb to sound and all you hear is the rhythm of His heart. These few, sacred moments in my life are usually not in a church service, worship set, or my personal study. They usually come to me when I least expect it. I had one a few days back…

I started Young Life/Wyldlife in December and that is where I met Reid. Reid and I are Wyldlife (Junior High…Lord help us) leaders together. Reid and I were up at Fox Run Park with his brothers Johnny and Kyle to play some Frisbee. Right as they arrived, God reminded us of His presence with a bellowing roll of thunder. Saturation is what followed next… It was so strange. It was down pouring and we all just kept playing. We said nothing. The thunder roared, we were drenched…but we just kept playing. The rain was so powerful now that we desisted from conversation due to the volume of the rain. All you could hear was rolling thunder and the Frisbee slicing through the rain drops. God was speaking to me in that moment.

Psalm 18:13, “The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.”

I could literally feel Him there; I swear I could hear Him breathing. His presence and power was so thick and tangible. I was reminded of Isaiah 29 where it says that the LORD Almighty will come with thunder. I looked up for a second (you got to be careful not to look up for too long while playing Frisbee or your new best friend might be a black eye) at those dark cloud that were yelling at us… and I wondered if He was coming back right then. I looked up anticipating His return.

I am learning to live with “One foot raised” as John Calvin so eloquently puts it. I am begging God to allow me to soften my heart and long for His return. May both my feet never be planted firmly on this Earth. He gave me a glimpse of Heaven that day. May we be a people who ache for the return of Christ and play frisbee in the rain.

Just Call Me Toxic

I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”

I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Appointed Times

“Mom, I can’t breathe in this country,” I complained as what once was sheen on my face now began to bead up and become not a glow but sheer sweat. “This is disgusting, it’s not even August and I can’t breathe.” Now, before you go all Varsity Coach on me and tell me to suck it up, have some sympathy, people. I haven’t been in America for summer in five years time (Did you just sing that in your head like I did? Good because that’s part of a song; I realize that. For those who are out of the musical loop, Five Years Time by Noah and the Whale. Go. Now.) Anyways, I have escaped the heat of Hades in America by venturing to the Emerald Isle (Again, for those of you outside of the humanity and general knowledge loop, that’s Ireland). What do you need to make an isle the color of emerald?

Rain. Precipitation. Downpour. Showers. Mizzle. Rainfall. Sprinkle. Rainwater. And oh yes, RAIN.

That is what I am used to; enduring wet socks, everlasting prune fingers, lasting bad hair days, and consistently feeling your jeans just are not quite dry. I suppose I never realized how close rain and I have become over the past several years of our relationship. He was around so much I began to not notice his cloud of presence in my life during the months of June through August. That’s until his brother Sunshine and I started hanging out this year. His personality is far dissimilar than Rain’s.

“Different is not bad, different is just…different.” –Paul Bowman

So this got me brooding. If I have met the family of rain, sunshine, sleet, humid, chilly, snow, and breezy, I must dwell deeper on their parents: Summer, Autumn, Winter, and Spring. Ah yes, the seasons. Seasons are a curious thing, wouldn’t you agree? Why do we have them? Why did God decide to create seasons? I came to the conclusion that God is a God of pictures. He is a genius and realizes that we are not. Seasons are much more than just seasons. So, what did I do? I took Google by the hand of course and asked him to lead me into the realms and depths of each season.

I suppose we should begin with the season that is most on my mind, or should I say the one that is causing this sheen all over my face which no makeup can cure; her name is Summer. Summer is a bit snooty if you ask me. She thinks she is better than everyone else. Just because you are hot, involve many people’s birthdays, have 4th of July and there is no school when you’re here doesn’t make you better, Summer. Summer can have moments where she shocks you though. Moments when she is not even trying and takes your mouth full of air right out of you. Sunsets, camping, laughter, swimming, baseball games, and perfect nights when you don’t need a jacket… That’s what we love about you Summer. Summer’s sister Winter is the complete opposite.

Winter. I adore winter. She is way prettier than she gives herself credit. Everyone underestimates and is so rude to Winter. Calm down everyone, Winter is just being herself. If I’m being honest with you, Winter….you just don’t know when to leave. You overstay your welcome quite often. I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you, but that’s why people here don’t like you as much as I do. You have to take a hint and know when to leave. You’re amazing though. Sledding, snowball fights, Jack Frost, Christmas, and that noise snow makes when your boots crinkle over it…. That’s what we love about you Winter. Winter is closest with her dear sister, Autumn.

Ah yes, Autumn. Autumn really should model, she is gorgeous. Her personality is contagious. I mean seriously, what bad things could you possibly say about Autumn? She will send chills through your veins at what she does. The maroons, oranges, and mustard yellows the burst forth from her heart is simply irresistible. She is not as dramatic as her sisters Summer and Winter. Raking leaves, Thanksgiving, football, harvest and breath taking colors…. That’s what we love about Autumn. Last but not least, Spring.

Spring’s name does her justice. She literally has so much LIFE pulsing through her. She’s vivacious, feisty, and knows how to bring the best out of everything. She has a way of seeing what is deep down inside things that you think has died and breathing life back into it. Spring…only one problem. Here in Colorado, we question if you’re ever going to show up. You’re always late to the party, Spring. Winter doesn’t know when to leave and you don’t know when to show up. All is forgiven once you do arrive though. Bumble bees, flowers, picnics, humming birds and vibrancy… That’s what we love about you Spring.

Well this has been cute, but it’s time to get down to business friends. WHY? Seasons, why do you exist? For cute moments like these, or for God to remind us; to remind me that there are physical, tangible season you can see… but there are also season deep within your spirit and heart. And you…YOU know exactly what I’m talking about.

Death, life, uprooted, planted tears, laughter, sunshine, darkness. In Genesis when God creates the seasons the Hebrew word for season is the same as the phrase, “appointed time”. We talk about the “seasons” of our own lives; I like “appointed times” better.

Did you know that a tree when it is first planted needs perfect conditions to grow? Google explained to me all about how the first year of a tree and going through the different seasons is crucial. There is a watering pattern for a baby tree that you have to keep up for the first YEAR…because it is most susceptible to attack….wow. Anyone else feeling a strong correlation here?

Also that baby tree’s first summer is pivotal. The baby tree won’t be a baby tree anymore at the end of an ideal summer. It’s tricky though; a fantastic summer will either ruin or flourish a baby tree. If it doesn’t get enough (living) water the tree can wither and dry up in a few days, oh but if a tree does get water it will grow up to 4 times its original size! What has been a “summer” in your life? A time of almost incubation where your growth rate was rapid, but only because the circumstances where so extreme. I wonder if a tree feels sometimes like we do in those summer seasons….that at any moment that blazing sun will take our life. That tree will say in the heat of summer, “Mom, I can’t breathe.”
Intense conditions produces intense growth.

Autumn is a time of change, preparation, harvest, and beauty. As the tree stops producing chlorophyll (what makes leaves green) the leaves change colors and begins to fall off the branches. Trees also get little or no water during this season. If the leaves remained, water would escape as water vapor through the tiny pores in the leaves. This way the tree can conserve water and stay alive. I wonder if a tree ever cries when it watches its stunning leaves that it has worked so hard on all year fall to the ground dead. Those leaves which were once glorious and colorful are being raked up to be shoved into black trash bags/ leaf body bags. I wonder if the tree shouts at God in those moments, “Those are mine! Don’t take them from me!” If that tree kept its leaves the second Jack Frost came knocking the tree would die. God takes the leaves from the tree not because he is evil, but because he knows winter is coming and that tree will die if it clings to its leaves. What has God stripped you of this year? What has God “taken” from you? What are the “leaves” in your life that you can’t seem to let go of? In my life I am in autumn right now… watching my beautiful leaves fall to the ground as I mourn their departure. Autumn is also the best time of the year to prune a tree. If the branches are not needed all they will do is steal nutrients from where the tree needs it most. How gracious is the Lord to eliminate the unnecessary junk in our lives. Whether we or the tree likes it or not those leaves are going to be taken away because He loves us and is not going to watch us kill ourselves in the winter, just because we wanted to cling to our leaves.

Buckle up tree, because its winter. Winter may look lifeless, desolate, and bleak…but miracles happen in winter. Cessation of active growth, formation of terminal buds, formation of abscission layers in leaves, development of cold resistance, development of winter rest….miracles people. A tree may look dormant but cell division, respiration, enzymes, and preparation for the buds is all going on during this season. I wonder if a tree is ever shocked by the first snow. I wonder if trees, like people, ever get season depression. Winter is long in Colorado and sometimes you wonder if sunshine still exists or was just a figment of your imagination. Winter doesn’t mean to, but it can slaughter life if a tree is not ready. How good is God that autumn is a time to get a tree ready for winter. What has been a winter in your life; a time where trouble came blowing in with no mercy… a time when you wondered if the Sun was only a dream from long ago. In what ways did God prepare you for that season? Are you in the winter now and questioning if you’re even still alive? How striking that the most brutal and ruthless season is followed by spring.

Spring has sprung. I hate that trite saying, but it’s true. Spring cannot hide from us. She comes out and has us captivated by her beauty. Trees and plants blossom in spring and their colors and fragrance is intoxicating. Those buds and bulbs that felt so lifeless in winter are now bursting forth and enchanting all of creation. The cherry tree is unsightly in the winter only to enamor us with her beauty in spring. What once was dead is now alive again. God will give you back your leaves and blossoms and you will worship him more for it. You can tell when someone is going through their spring in life. When someone is radiant and flourishing with Christ. Like a mother after the labor of childbirth who is most beautiful, so are we in the spring after the winter.

“Appointed times” are not just in creation; they are in you. May you take heart if you are in the winter, surrender your leaves in the fall, trust that you will grow and not wither in the summer, and burst forth His brilliance in the spring.

Theologians Unite

My friend Rachael D. sent this to me awhile back, and I recently found it again. I really enjoyed it so I figured I would share. It's short, but creative and well done.

DugDownDeep_Carnahan.mov from Covenant Life Church on Vimeo.

A Tale of 2 Stories

The dust on the dirt road was kicked up from the truck driving by and made me cough. I rolled up my window, but then changed my mind and reversed my action. It was too hot to keep it up seeing as my magnificent car, Dustin, doesn’t offer me the luxury of air conditioning. No, no, my air is never conditioned, just straight up. Maybe one day I will enjoy this indulgence, but today was not that day. My destination was Falcon, Colorado. Falcon is the place where a family and a friend that are very dear to me rest their heads at night and call home…so, Falcon, I was coming for you.

I pulled into the rock covered drive way, turned off my engine, and pulled up my obnoxious E-brake. I was welcomed by Melodie with a smile and embrace, and three dogs trying to lick my scab on my knee….gross, but true. We proceeded up the stairs and were greeted by Stephanie. She was being her usual, fabulous self and was sewing a beautiful apron. Mel and I made lunch and everything felt peaceful.

Now, if you put Melodie, Stephanie and I in a room alone one of three things will happen. 1.) Giggles galore. 2.) Conversations of great magnitude and depth. 3.) Silence because we just finished a conversation of great magnitude and depth and need to think about it. It usually follows that order. I could write about many things we discussed. I could write about how often humanity gets lost in miscommunications. I could entertain you with a witty writing of the Church vs. the church. I could even unpack the simple truths of how often we don’t feel worthy, but those are not what made me STOP.

Every so often someone will say something that makes you STOP. Thoughts are sometimes like ear plugs, it goes in and everything seems to fall silent. The world around you continues, but you are brewing in your own thoughts. Frozen. Soundless. The conversation had turned to an instance that Mel was recalling and telling me to what conclusion she had arrived. I won’t give all the details, but Mel was simply talking about a camera and said something... something that hit me. It felt like being clothes lined; one second you are running and then next thing you know you're on the ground writhing in pain and trying to decipher what just happened.

“I was so excited about it at first, and now…now it’s not enough for me.”

Shoes. Car. Phone. Guitar. Books. Those where the things that instantly flashed before me. Excited about them at first…then not enough. My thoughts then decided to take a dark turn. As if my thoughts were all piled in a car and then saw a dark, abandoned alley and made a sudden jerk to see what evils may lurk down such a passage.

Friendships. Ministry. Churches. Romantic relationships. Traveling. The Word. Prayer. And to my shame, Christ himself flashed into my mind. Excited is often swept away by the wind of not enough. What starts off as a passionate, infatuated relationship with Christ often finds itself running into the wall of apathy and dissatisfaction. Next thing we know this faith is swept away by a strong gust of wind, and we desperately try to grab hold of it again. Most of us have seen somone who loses a paper or money in the wind and then tries to recapture it and rarely does it turn out well. They must either wait for the wind to die down or look like a fool who is literally chasing after the wind.

I forget so often how broken I was….how shattered and hopeless I was before Christ. Before He came, I was a stranger even to myself. I had no idea who I was so I tried out different facades. The majority of my middle school and high school career was a massive masquerade. Then Jesus grabbed a hold of my heart and literally TOLD me who I was, and began to change me to that person, and he still is. Yet, now… I have so easily forgotten to cherish my forgiveness and my identity in Christ. So I’m begging for God to allow me to remember. I’m forgiven, clean, and loved by Christ.

“If we forget then worship is damaged, joy is damaged, pleasure is damaged, the reflection of the perfect reality of Christ is damaged.” –Matt Chandler

Do you believe that He is enough for you? Were you excited about Him and all of this at first and now He is simply not seeming good enough? Are you a naturally inconsistent person, so even your relationship with God is affected, but your excuse is, That’s just how I am, inconsistent. What does a life drastically changed by the gospel of Jesus Christ look like for you?

Jeremy (the Younglife director for Tri-Lakes) always says to us as youth leaders, “You should have 2 stories constantly in your back pocket. One about what you are seeing God do in a specific young person’s life. Two something that you are seeing God do in your life.” The first time he said that I thought to myself fair enough, but then he followed it up with, “And those stories should change every week…” He said that the point is that God is a God who is constantly moving in the lives of youth and you, and your job is to simply ask him to open your eyes to that. Awareness is key. He tells us we never have to try to generate something, but merely get caught up in what God is already doing; like getting caught in the current of the ocean. The ocean is too powerful to try to create your own current. All you have to do is relax, trust the ocean and you will be swept away by something more magnificent, powerful, vast, difficult, and stunning than you could ever imagine.

What are your stories this week? Are you so involved with others you don’t have a story for yourself? Maybe you are so encased by yourself you haven no idea what God is doing in others. Where is the tide sweeping in your life? May you be swept away by the currents of Yahweh.

The Husband's Kiss

It was a hot day. The kind of day which starts out sunny, but the clouds soon encase the heat and the city becomes mother nature’s oven. It was so hot that we decided to eat outside; the house was too stuffy. The sweat of my legs caused me to stick to our patio furniture so I tried not to move. It was too hot to move anyway. So I listened. I watched.

David and Meredith are in town. I like being around them. There is something special about their marriage that is unfathomable for words, so I will put it the only way I know how. They exude Christ when they are together. Their love for each other lifts you up. It is really beautiful to watch.

A breeze now began to comb my hair and cool the sweat on my face. David was playing fetch with Annie, our lab, as Meredith and I sat in the shade of the porch. I glanced at my sweet sister-in-law and caught her gazing at David as he threw that tennis ball with such masculine force. “Meredith…” I could tell I almost jolted her out of the adoration coma. “Meredith, when you imagined being married…like when you were younger and you thought about a husband, is this what you imagined.” Mere’s eyes were fixated on me as I spoke, but as I finished I could see her eyes begin to sort through the files inside her mind. She was as quiet as a painting. Her meek voice gently interrupted the only noise of the tennis ball bouncing off the ground and four legs pattered to retrieve. “I never knew what good of friends we would be,” she said. “I guess at the end of the day, I truly wanted and longed to be friends with my husband…but I never imagined it to be like this.” Her eyes then slowly drifted back to my brother like a boat taken by the current. “I never could have imagined this,” she said softly as if it were a secret.

I closed my eyes as the breeze again kissed my face. God kisses me sometimes. I am not even going to try to explain it and if you think that is odd, too bad. He does. He kisses me. In that moment, He kissed me. Hosea 2:16 came to my mind "And in that day, declares the LORD, you will call me 'My Husband,' and no longer will you call me 'My Baal [My Master].’ “Baal” is the Hebrew word for master or lord over. I like how John Piper puts it in his essay, “Call Me Husband, Not Baal.” I will only show snippets of it, but you can read the full thing online if you so desire:

“I see in Hosea 2:14-23 at least three things God does for us, his rebellious wife, to win us back; and I see one overriding thing that he wants from us. The first thing he does is woo us tenderly. Verse 14: "Behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her." We are all guilty of harlotry. We have loved other lovers more than God. We have gotten our kicks elsewhere. He has been at times an annoying deity. We, like Gomer, were enslaved to a paramour, the world, pleasure, ambition. But God has not cast us off. He promises to take us into the wilderness. He wants to be alone with us. Why? So that he can speak tenderly to us. Literally, the Hebrew says, so that he can speak "to her heart." And when he speaks he will allure you. He will entice you and woo you. He will say what a lover says to his lady when they walk away from the party into the garden. God wants to talk that way with you. Go with him into the wilderness and listen with your heart. Do not think you are too ugly or too rotten. He knows that his wife is a harlot. That's the meaning of mercy: God is wooing a wife of harlotry.
This is the gospel story in the Old Testament. This is the meaning of Christmas interpreted seven centuries before Christ. God comes to woo us tenderly to himself; he promises us fullest hope and safety; he starts over with any who will come, and offers us the most intimate and pleasure-filled relationship possible.

And what must we do to qualify? What does he want from us? Verse 16: "In that day, says the Lord, you will call me, 'My husband,' and no longer will you call me, "My Baal."' I think the word Baal here has a double meaning. As the next verse shows, it means one of the false gods of Israel's idolatry. So verse 16 means: "You will no longer include me as one of many gods, or many lovers; you will talk to me as your only true God and husband."

But there is another sense of the word Baal. Fifteen times in the Old Testament it simply means "husband," but husband in the sense of owner and lord. The Baals were Israel's hard masters as well as her lovers. In 7:14, for example, the people gashed themselves to try to get benefits from the Baals (just like the prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel in 1 Kings 18:28). When Israel chose a Baal for her "significant other" she chose a cruel and merciless lord. So the other (and I think primary) meaning of Hosea 2:16 is: "Relate to me as a loving husband, not as a harsh master or owner. In that day, says the Lord, you will call me 'My husband' and you will no longer call me 'My Baal."'

I like the part where Piper says, “He will say what a lover says to his lady when they walk away from the party into the garden.” It has been awhile since my Husband has taken me into the garden and kissed me. This kiss was a stolen one; it was quick. Oh, but He was there. Maybe He has been wanting to exit the party and talk with me and kiss me in the garden for awhile, but I am allured by the party. He has put his hand on the crest of my back, come close, and whispered into my ear, “Come away, my lover… (Song of Solomon 8:14). Yet, I as the fickle wife I am to Him, reply, “Not now,” and head for the platter of cheese.

Forgive me, Husband. “Against you, and you alone, have I sinned” Psalm 51:4. So often I seek creation over the Creator. I am currently reading Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller. I have many both known and unknown. I need to decipher what my “party” is…what is charming me away from my time in the garden with My Beloved? Right now I do not know. I feel like this is going to be the beginning of a beautifully painful process. King David and I cry out together, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts!” Psalm 139:23.

I want to be Your friend.
I want You to not be my Baal.
I want You to be My Husband.
I want to walk with You in the garden.

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth

for your love is more delightful than wine.”

Song of Solomon 1:2

Hiking and Desperation

“On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand…”

I suppose those words mean the most to you when you have tried placing your weight on the sand.

I went hiking a few days ago (which in and of itself is shocking if you know me). We had reached our destination and were now making the long trek back. My least favorite part of hiking is the descent. I hate going back down because it’s so much easier to slip and fall…I suppose I am terrified of falling down. We arrived to easily the most arduous part.

“Just look for the solid rocks pointing back at you….Don’t step on the gravel no matter how flat it looks,” my friend Justin called up to me as I hesitantly looked upon what seemed to be my doom. His words rang as I pondered their dual meaning, both literal, yet Biblical. I hummed that old hymn as I went down the side of the sharp incline. The rocks held me like a mother holds her only child, and my confidence began to grow…and by confidence I mean pride. I placed my full weight on what appeared to be a flat, secure patch of gravel. I fell. My heart rate increased as I clung to the rock my right hand was on as it almost seemed to cling back to me. I was fine, but foolish. Once we had finished the hike back and returned to the harbor that was Justin’s car, my thoughts went for a stroll.

I am a knower. If you ask me what I think, I will know what I think. If you ask me a question, I will know the answer and if I don’t, I will find it. I know who I am, I know what I believe, I know what I like and dislike…I know. I am also a planner. I usually have a good grasp of what I want to do within at least the year. I will go to school and work hard so I can go to N. Ireland and Czech this summer and then come back and go to school until December and then think about transferring to Boulder… and so on. I like to plan my life. I like to be certain. I rarely express my thoughts or convictions until I have inwardly processed and come to a final conclusion.
I have made my knowing and my planning an idol in my life, and God has said, No more.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t know.
I don’t know why I suddenly hate my job.
I don’t know if I should major in English or stick with Linguistics.
I don’t know if I should go to Boulder.
I don’t know what this summer will be like without N. Ireland and Czech.
I don’t know why I feel so dry lately.

I don't know why it feels like I can't get this Christianity thing right.
I don’t know why the people closest to me live far from me.
I don’t know why I cry sometimes.
I.Don’t.Know.

I have been stepping on the sand in my life for far too long, and now I have fallen.

All I do know is that I have no were to run but to the Rock. This is a time of refinement in my life, and I don’t like it…which proves to me all the more how desperately I need it.

“The key to power and freedom in Jesus Christ is desperation.” –Matt Chandler.

And oh, how desperate I feel. I am about to leave for summer camp with my Younglife/Wyldlife team. I want so desperately want to be going into camp “strong”, to be going in feeling ready for any question, ready for the intense cabin time (discussion groups) we will have, and ready to catch the tears I am certain will fall from my girls eyes… But all I feel is weak and tired. I seriously have no other option than to beg God to be my rock. I will go, but I am going empty handed. I have nothing to offer but His strength, because I have none left. Here are my two copper coins, Father…it is all I have.

He is reminding me that I am a knower…and that is why I love Him. That I can KNOW that He is a sure foothold and foundation. That maybe the only thing He wants me to know right now is how gravely I need Him. I repent of how often I stand upon the sand of my life. How often I stand upon my pride, my accomplishments, my personality, my knowledge, my humor, my status… all those things are muck and mire compared to Him, but I don’t live like that is true. Perhaps because of His great love and grace towards me, He is going to force me to look in the mirror and see what is really going on. He is plucking me up out of the muck and mire, placing my feet on Him, solid rock, and will put a new song in my heart. I look forward to that song…I trust that the song will come, because right now I just feel like the mire has encased me.

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.” –Psalm 40:2-3

The Forecast

Shades of gray and a hue of blue.
The sky is confused today, and so is my heart.
The ominous and depressing grays sweep over me;
Yet, a hopeful and handsome blue awaits me in the distance.
For now?
For now I am encased by a storm both figuratively and literally.
The grays make me question the blue;
Perhaps it is an illusion, or just sentimental me talking again.
Telling myself, Oh, how the blue with come for me and comfort me.
How the blue will obliterate these grays, there I go again...
The rain begins to fall which helps to keep my tears a silent secret.
The grays see me, but they do not wish to know me.
The grays use me, without asking what I need.
The grays forfeit my heart, only to seek their own.
They hide the Sun, and I detest them for that.
The Sun is mine, and I am the Sun's.
Alas, I can no longer see or feel His rays.
I know He is still there, but they hide him so well.
I abhor them for that.
I want to abide in that single blue sky...
Where the Sun is central.
I will love him for that...once I escape this woeful storm.
I must be enamored by the Sun to arrive with my blue.
Only He can entice me out of these horrid grays I loathe, to the blue I crave.

Car Crash

He grips the steering wheel tight. It’s the only thing he feels he can control.
He’s numb most of the time, or tried to stay busy as not to feel his aching soul.

Life is strange now; he is no longer who he used to be.
He can’t decide if he likes the change or should run back to comfortability.

Like a man who has always dwelled in darkness and finally steps into Light,
Only to find the radiance pains his eyes and seems distorts his sight.

I beg him to stay here and wait for his eyes to begin to adjust,
But to him this Light is agonizing, confusing and therefore unjust.

I implore him to wait and see how the Light will improve his vision,
But the only thing that escapes his lips is that of derision.

He treats me like an oar, pulling me close to his chest only to push me away.
As I become accustom to this rhythm, I kneel to You and begin to pray.

He rarely looks into my eyes. Maybe its because he knows there’s truth there.
Or perhaps, our combined ambiguity is too much for us bear.

His indifference is what beckons him these undeniable harms,
Cloaked with confidence, swagger, and an unyielding charm.

Like an ocean without waves or an artist who refuses paint,
Is he currently, entangled with frustration and sheer restraint.

Alone in his car he dazes off and his grip on the wheel strains
And the crash makes him question the Light, his eyes, and the pain.

He cries out in his mind, and You ask him, “Do you believe?”
His dissatisfaction is evident, but the Light refuses to leave.

Live like Levi

I feel odd lately. Like when you’re spending the night somewhere besides your own house and you wake up and for a split second freak out because you don’t know where you are…. Ya. It’s kinda like that. A lot has happened these last few weeks, and it’s only going to get more intense.

I went to Levi Patrick’s memorial service yesterday. Can you imagine? Captain of the football team, brother to an adoring sister, son to admiring parents, homecoming king, hilarious, beautiful eyes, contagious smile, and an infectious laugh…only 19 years old… gone. I used to call Levi “Shuga.” The nick name started in a accidental way, but it was the perfect nick name for him. He was sweet as Shuga I would say to him. My goodness that boy had become so handsome too. I told my friend Josh, "Levi looked so good Josh, like he had become so attractive. So many girls probably had a crush on that stud."

It has been awhile since someone I knew has died. I can’t explain it. No one can. “It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise.” (Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events)

As a myriad of individuals cried as they spoke of this man and their precious memories, there was always a resounding theme to Levi… You see he may be all these things and have all these wonderful titles, but that’s not who Levi is. Those are all things he does.

There was a part in the service where they showed a slide show of all these lovely pictures, and as the music hit its crescendo the screen went black and the word LEVI was the only thing on the screen. Then other words flooded the page. “Brother, son, teammate, beloved friend, role model…” The screen was now completely full of titles and then behind them all in massive letters something was being etched into the background. I couldn’t quite decipher what the massive letters said. Then, all the other titles fell from the screen and all that was left was, “Levi, Lover of Jesus. Man of God.” As those titles fell from the screen so did the tears from my eyes. I couldn’t control them, they just kept coming down, almost like how I cannot control the falling rain.

I may be a bartender, youth leader, friend, sister, volleyball player, daughter, and musician…but what will they say about me when I’m gone? Levi was not remembered most for his titles, but for who he is, he being…a child of God, and how evident that was to everyone around him. Do people at work know the depth of my love for Christ, or is it easier for me just to clock in and clock out and not worry about the fact that most of them are going to hell? At wyldlife and younglife, do those teens truly know not who I am, but whose I am?

At the end of the service, Jeremiah Parks shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with 1,500 people. A huge chunk of them were Lewis Palmer high school students. He asked them to have the courage of Levi and come to know this God that he knew, this Jesus that he loved. Over 100 people got saved yesterday. Levi’s 19 years just changed other’s eternity. What am I doing with my life now that will reverberate, impact, and impress upon other’s eternity? Not a lot. I want to drip with Jesus. I want others to be saturated by Christ when their around me.

God, I need Your help. I suck at this, but You are mighty to save and that is the Gospel. I fall short, You come through. Thank you for Levi and the catalyst he has been. Help me to be more like Levi because Levi was like You.

Zephaniah 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

What Are You Afraid Of?

"Something deep inside me hates it when I pray."


My friend, ally, and co-laborer Taylor Ashley said that in his most recent blog. Those words were in fact God's deliberate words to me...yet again. You see this whole prayer thing has been tormenting me for sometime now.

I

can't

pray.



It has always been a battle for me to pray well and often. I can pray for other people no problem. I can pray for David and Meredith's marriage, for my sister, for Taylor as he is in Germany, I can pray for Stephanie, Josh, Chris, Jeremy and Anne, Paul and Val, Petra, I can basically pray for anyone anytime.

But....when it comes to really praying for those bold things in our lives. I can't. I will explain...

It was really bugging the hell out of me, like that itch on your back you can't reach. So I gave up...for a long time. I sat down and excitedly opened the book my friend Aaron let me borrow Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I didn't really know what the book was about, but I liked his book Crazy Love so I was ready. What I was not ready for was what happened in Chapter 2.

Chapter 2- "What Are You Afraid Of?"

Right when I read that my heart shivered. To make a long story short, I decorate the ceiling of my car with magazine words or phrases that mean something to me. A few days back I ripped out...you guessed it..."What Are You Afraid Of?" I don't even really know why, I just liked it.

Chan went on to probe and shine the light on something so horrible and dark within me. "I believe some other fears need to be identified and dealt with. One concern I've often heard (and felt) is, what if I pray and nothing happens? Its scary to boldly pray for change or freedom from sin, because if nothing happens, then doesn't that mean God failed?... I can't imagine how much it pains God to see His children hold back from relationship with the Holy Spirit out of fear that He won't come through" (Chan, pg. 47-48).

Hot tears ran down my face as I finally put everything together; like finishing a puzzle that is no tranquil sunset, no beautiful lighthouse, but a gruesome and loathsome scene that you are apart of.

I can't pray because I think He'll fail me.

I won't ask for Him to give me the fruits of the Spirit. I can't ask God to grant me more peace and joy than I have ever known, because what if when my alarm goes off tomorrow I wake up more anxious and depressed than I have ever felt. I can't ask for him to make me more patient because what if I get angry at work again. I can't ask God to drop plane ticket costs to Ireland because what if they go up, and if they go up I can't pray for God to show me favor at work to make more money, because what if I don't.

There it is. Exposed. Divulged. Unveiled. It disgusted me. I cried like I haven't in awhile. How could I have been believing this lie for so long? How could I possibly believe that my majestic and wonderful Husband would fail me. I briefly spoke to my Dad about it that morning. He said how often we forget that we are in a war and that there is an enemy. We always think this is me screwing up or God failing me when in all reality it is the evil prince of this world lying to us. This was a deep root that took sometime to pull up out of those evil constraints. I know something that deep can't come out in one simple yank, but am so glad that I know that its there now. So thankful for the Holy Spirit keeping His word and not failing me. That He is my Counselor and Sanctifier. That it hurts, but He will not let this work go unfinished (Jer. 29:11).

THEN

I
sat
down
and


PRAYED

"Something deep inside me hates it when I pray."

Its going to be a process. He is purifying, cleansing, and exonerating me. I did what He has told all of us to do...

Repent. Believe.

I sunk into His promises, because I had no where else to go. Like a child playing hide-and-go-seek and the counter yells that they are coming, but you haven't had time to hide yet so you run to what place you know....I didn't have time to hide this time. So I ran to Him. He is all I know.


2 Cor. 3:18, "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."

Thank you Father.
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you Holy Spirit.
Thank you Taylor Ashley.
Thank you Petra.
Thank you Daddy.
Thank you Francis.
And thank you prophetic, magazine clipping.

OH NINE!

My life has been full this past year; full in many senses of the word. Full in blessings, heart ache, gaining, loses, finishing chapters and starting new ones. This has been a year of purification and growing in many areas. It has been freeing to write this blog. Join me as I walk through this nostalgic forest. These are my top nine moments or adventures of 2009.

9.) Winter in Northern Ireland

There are few people in my life that I feel comprehend who I am. Only a handful of people have walked with me in life and not just watched me walk. There is a vast difference in a track runner’s fans and their teammates. Paul and Val Bowman have been not only a teammate running alongside me for the sake of the Gospel, but cheering me on while they run with me. Many things have changed for me this year; many constants in my life are no longer constants. My brother and best friend both moved this year. A treasured friend was called to a different mission field in Germany. My life is a massive transformation. Paul’s words were like a shield to my feeble heart. “Becca, we will always be a constant in your life; no matter where we live or what we are doing, we are here for you.” Their mere presence alone filled me up the two brief weeks I visited over the winter. Seeing all my friends in Ireland was like a cool drink of water for my soul. Petra, Rach J., Michael, Mark, Vicky, Abbi, Jenna, Rach D., Rose, even the little angels Erin and Talitha, and many more were a comfort to my unstable soul.

8.) High View Church
I will keep this section as brief as humanly possible. The church today is a dense topic to discuss. This year my heart delved into the thoughts of, “Is this church was Jesus had in mind? What does it mean to be a member of a Church, and what does that look like?” The Holy Spirit united the questions of my heart to the same ones of my dear friend Stephanie. We commenced our journey and the Lord had us dock our exploring ship at High View Church. It has been a wild ride as we pushed back out to sea to bring our fellow brothers and sisters to High View with us. We are still exploring and asking the Lord to continue to be our holy Captain. There are many aspects that we adore and others we are still probing, however, God is there. I am growing. I am seeking understanding. Brad and Hayley Hovis get the Gospel. The sermons and worship through the Lord have pushed my soul into a profound place. Profound (adj.) - “originating in or penetrating to the depths of one's being.” Jesus encourages profound places; for now, High View is right, and I am blessed.

7.) Serenity’s Wedding

If anyone has known me for a day, they will hear something about My Best Friend Serenity (Yes that is her official title). Serenity is so many things to me. She is a best friend, ally, sister, protector, confidant, understanding, a woman of the Lord, intimate, supporter, accomplice, a late night call of tears, a captivating smile, and a harbor of safety. She is so many more things to me, but the English language has not yet invented such words. We met when I was 15, she was 16, and the connection was instant. My life has never been the same. We frequently dreamed of the day our husbands would surface from the sea of sleaze that seemed to encircle us. Seth was the unexpected, yet welcomed man Serenity had awaited. I received the privilege of standing with Serenity on her wedding day. It is an odd feeling to dream of a day to come, and then arriving there. I stood in my mermaid, blue dress, staring at my treasure draped in white. I felt full in that moment. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." –Mark 10:9

6.) College
I was never a fan of school. Learning was not a priority of mine. When the Lord began to shift my heart this year and sift through my sin, I realized that my overall apathy was a huge sin in my life. Laziness and I were good friends; not good. God ultimately revealed to me that my slothful nature towards school and learning was offensive to Him. He is the author of knowledge and understanding. Caring little for learning more about the world around me, which He created, was therefore, a suppression of passion to know Him. I still do not like math. I still do not like chemistry. I still do not like biology. I can see God in math, chemistry, and biology now and better appreciate those subjects. I begged God. I needed Him to change my heart towards learning; He is faithful. College helps me know Him better. I see him in the papers I write, the people I sit next to, the pages I must read, the labs, presentations, the art work I study, the notes I take. He is there. College is not just school; it is a crown He has given to me to know Him better. Pursuing my studies leads to pursuit of Him; for this, I am thankful.

5.) Starting Wyldlife/ Younglife

When God created me, He wove a desire for youth into my core. He breathed life into my lungs and a longing or ache to see young people intimately know Jesus. Teenage years are awkward, fun, adventurous, trying, and distressing, especially today. Teenagers are pivotal to the church. Teenager and zeal are like a spider and its web. It just works. You don’t fully know how it all works, and honestly who cares? It works, it’s beautiful, and it’s needed. Arachnophobia (the fear of spiders) and Ephebiphobia (fear of teenagers) plague many today. Some of the most important people of the Bible were teenagers, including the obviously significant Mary, mother of Jesus. Therefore, young people are desperately needed, yet are lacking, in the church today.
I met a seemingly average guy in one of my classes. Little did I know the vital task the Lord would ask him to play in my life? Chris Murphy is hilarious. Chris Murphy and I get along. Chris began to invite me to join the ministry front called Younglife and I quickly rejected his invitation. American youth ministry, to put it lightly, irritates me. I was not going to get involved with some flashy program filled with young people who have been coming to for years, yet are still drinking, having sex, are depressed, and still feel completely hopeless. Jesus is a person, not a program. To make a novel into a paragraph, Younglife is about youth and where they are at, not a program to pretend they are all fine. I am now a leader for wyldlife (middle school) and love it. There is no feeling like walking the path the Your Creator has destined for you.

4.) Music
“If music be the food of love, play on.” –William Shakespeare
Music has always pricked my soul. I feel like music is as close to Heaven as we can get here on Earth. There are so many amazing musicians, that my feelings were apprehensive towards pursuing music in any way. This year of my life has been musically fruitful by the grace and enticing of the Father. I have always felt insufficient in my musical knowledge and talent. That is the beauty of this faith, this belief, this Gospel.
“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.”
- 1Cor. 1:26-29
So I stepped into music. I took voice lessons and am currently taking piano lessons. Not because I am good, but because He is worthy of my praise in any and every area of my life. I will obey the command in 1 Chron. 16:9; I will sing praise to Him. If I can bless or inspire one person through music, than all glory and praise be to His name.

3.) Summer


I could write a novel about my summer. I suppose a short blog paragraph must suffice. Summers in my life are my favorite time of the year. I have the honor of being an intern in Northern Ireland and traveling to the Czech Republic every summer. I am humbled that God has chosen me to speak His name to other nations. This summer was incredible. Filled with amazing interns, (Petra, Addison, Josh, and Lauren), the most inspiring way I have ever heard the Gospel (the story of God in Czech), practicing my Czech (Thanks Petra!), tickling Erin and Talitha, letting the warm Czech, summer air lace through my hair on a train, get completely coated with muck on Messy Fun IV, deep conversations, wiping of tears, holding of hands, and the breathe being stripped from my lungs at my Creator’s design. The friendships and memories evoke worship in me. I have nothing to do but praise Him for allowing me this opportunity each summer. I love you all my European brothers and sisters!

2.) David and Meredith’s Wedding


There are moments in time where everything seems right in this horrible, twisted world. For a split second, Heaven comes to Earth. The wedding ceremony of my brother, David to his wife, Meredith was one of those moments. If you haven’t read my blog entry about their wedding, you should and you will. That is the closest I have ever felt to God. It felt like what the world is supposed to feel like, what God wants me to feel like all the time. It was surreal. I longed for Heaven and my Jesus like I never had before. Meredith has been such an immense addition to our family; she is not even an addition. Meredith belongs in our family, because God intended her to be in our family; we just didn’t know it yet. I loved that day. I love David. I love Meredith. I deeply, intimately, and passionately fell deeper in love with Jesus that day.

1.) New Friendships



2009 has been a friendship year. When I say friendship I don’t mean flippant and fickle friendships. I have rarely had intimate, caring friendships before this year; God abiding relationships; God centered association. I love God; so therefore, I can love you in amazingly different way connections. You are my brother bonds. I adore you, my sister, unions. I have craved and yearned for such kindred, wondering if it could even exist. If you know me, I like to talk about meeting people with your same heart beat. If you have a friend like this you know exactly what I mean by this. God has given your soul a rhythm and theirs is the same as yours. Your hearts make a harmony. Your minds are in tune. There is something weighty about spiritual cadence with people. My cup has overflowed with new, deep friendships this year. I have an amazing group of people (you know who you are) I hang out with who passionately seek the Lord. I am thankful for each one of you!

Some of the big ones for the year: Petra, Taylor, Tarah MacAlmon, Esther Bentz, Jeremy and Anne, Josh McKinley, Amanda Heath, Reid, Chris, Meredith, and countless others have graced my life with their presence and friendship this year.

I look forward to 2010 with expectancy. I will see lives changed and people healed, I will see young people know Christ and old find Him again, I will deepen relationships and begin new ones, I will labor and harvest, I will see new hope in Europe and in my city, I will serve and be served, I will laugh hard and dry tears, I will praise Him in joy and sorrow, I will be His and He will be mine.