Hiking and Desperation

“On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand…”

I suppose those words mean the most to you when you have tried placing your weight on the sand.

I went hiking a few days ago (which in and of itself is shocking if you know me). We had reached our destination and were now making the long trek back. My least favorite part of hiking is the descent. I hate going back down because it’s so much easier to slip and fall…I suppose I am terrified of falling down. We arrived to easily the most arduous part.

“Just look for the solid rocks pointing back at you….Don’t step on the gravel no matter how flat it looks,” my friend Justin called up to me as I hesitantly looked upon what seemed to be my doom. His words rang as I pondered their dual meaning, both literal, yet Biblical. I hummed that old hymn as I went down the side of the sharp incline. The rocks held me like a mother holds her only child, and my confidence began to grow…and by confidence I mean pride. I placed my full weight on what appeared to be a flat, secure patch of gravel. I fell. My heart rate increased as I clung to the rock my right hand was on as it almost seemed to cling back to me. I was fine, but foolish. Once we had finished the hike back and returned to the harbor that was Justin’s car, my thoughts went for a stroll.

I am a knower. If you ask me what I think, I will know what I think. If you ask me a question, I will know the answer and if I don’t, I will find it. I know who I am, I know what I believe, I know what I like and dislike…I know. I am also a planner. I usually have a good grasp of what I want to do within at least the year. I will go to school and work hard so I can go to N. Ireland and Czech this summer and then come back and go to school until December and then think about transferring to Boulder… and so on. I like to plan my life. I like to be certain. I rarely express my thoughts or convictions until I have inwardly processed and come to a final conclusion.
I have made my knowing and my planning an idol in my life, and God has said, No more.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t know.
I don’t know why I suddenly hate my job.
I don’t know if I should major in English or stick with Linguistics.
I don’t know if I should go to Boulder.
I don’t know what this summer will be like without N. Ireland and Czech.
I don’t know why I feel so dry lately.

I don't know why it feels like I can't get this Christianity thing right.
I don’t know why the people closest to me live far from me.
I don’t know why I cry sometimes.
I.Don’t.Know.

I have been stepping on the sand in my life for far too long, and now I have fallen.

All I do know is that I have no were to run but to the Rock. This is a time of refinement in my life, and I don’t like it…which proves to me all the more how desperately I need it.

“The key to power and freedom in Jesus Christ is desperation.” –Matt Chandler.

And oh, how desperate I feel. I am about to leave for summer camp with my Younglife/Wyldlife team. I want so desperately want to be going into camp “strong”, to be going in feeling ready for any question, ready for the intense cabin time (discussion groups) we will have, and ready to catch the tears I am certain will fall from my girls eyes… But all I feel is weak and tired. I seriously have no other option than to beg God to be my rock. I will go, but I am going empty handed. I have nothing to offer but His strength, because I have none left. Here are my two copper coins, Father…it is all I have.

He is reminding me that I am a knower…and that is why I love Him. That I can KNOW that He is a sure foothold and foundation. That maybe the only thing He wants me to know right now is how gravely I need Him. I repent of how often I stand upon the sand of my life. How often I stand upon my pride, my accomplishments, my personality, my knowledge, my humor, my status… all those things are muck and mire compared to Him, but I don’t live like that is true. Perhaps because of His great love and grace towards me, He is going to force me to look in the mirror and see what is really going on. He is plucking me up out of the muck and mire, placing my feet on Him, solid rock, and will put a new song in my heart. I look forward to that song…I trust that the song will come, because right now I just feel like the mire has encased me.

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.” –Psalm 40:2-3