Just Call Me Toxic

I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”

I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”