Just Call Me Toxic

I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”

I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Tumor

Matt Chandler.


Matt Chandler?


Matt Chandler is not your typical Christian.
Matt Chandler is hilarious.
Matt Chandler has a beautiful wife, Lauren and three gorgeous kids.
Matt Chandler is the senior pastor at the Village Church in Dallas.
Matt Chandler changed my life simply by preaching the true Word.
Matt Chandler had a seizure on Thanksgiving Day.
Matt Chandler has a brain tumor.

What just happened?

Everything was perfect. Amazing wife, kids, job, church, life.

I really was not expecting this whole Matt Chandler has a brain tumor thing to affect me like it has. The craziest part of all is that Matt is not the one who really shook me up about all this…it was His wife Lauren.

After I found out I stumbled across Lauren’s blog. As I read Lauren’s deepest emotions about all this so many emotions overwhelmed me too. Their quiet and sure trust in the Lord was remarkable. As I gazed at a nearly perfect picture of her and Matt in a field, the sun shinning behind them, and as Matt embraced Lauren from behind and steals a kiss from off her neck while a contagious smile spreads across her face an emotion hit me.

I don’t even know what to call it. Fear maybe. Matt and Lauren’s story is beautiful and here they are in a field, in love, enjoying life and each other and all that was changed in moments. What scares me even more is how calm and peaceful they are about all of this.

What if one day my husband gets taken from me? Or one of my kids? How do people go through things like this? I don’t want these typical answers. Look, I know all the right answers I’m supposed to say. God will give you a peace, the Lord gives and takes away, it’s all in His hands. I KNOW! But these people are living in it right now. Living in heartache, yet with peace and joy. Its easy to know it, but my gosh they are IN it.

I know all the right answers of God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8). Maybe these things that we all know don’t penetrate until it happens. Maybe Matt and Lauren knew this all along and now…now they get to feel and believe it for the first time. That when people say God is good, it has whole new meaning to them now.

This story has messed with me so much the last week, in a good but painful way. Where is my hope? Where is my joy? Where is my trust? I don’t just want to know its in my Savior, I want to feel and believe it to my core. To glorify Him, becase HE is better than anything. Better than relationships, better than health, better than my family, better than laughter, better than anything. Thank you, Matt and Lauren, for sharing this struggle and being so faithful to the Lord. I want to make much of Christ in all things not just the easy things. In college, at work, when I’m playing guitar, when I buckle my seat belt, when I text my brother back, when I read a good book, when I smile at a stranger, or even if I find out I have a brain tumor. I will never cease, because Your steadfast love is better than even life. (Psalm 63)

Help Me

Do you ever wish you weren't a Christian?

No...I don't mean like that.

Have you ever watched one of those shows on TV of Christians who are just telling lies? Like buy this holy oil, try harder to be good, you better love Jesus or burn.

"I don't wanna be painted with the same paint brush as these guys. How did the greatest message in the world get hijacked by these fools? How did the most beautiful, most tender, most awesome message ever get hijacked by these fools?"
-Matt Chandler

I feel like so many things are being revealed to me lately about the true Gospel. Like, what Jesus truly had to say about things. Like relationships, marriage, and sex. God is the cosmic kill joy of pleasure right? At least that has always been what I was taught.

What if He is not.
What if He is the author of it.
What if He created such things for us to enjoy.

You know that story when the woman is caught in adultery and they drag her into the town square and throw her in front of Jesus. The Pharisees say that the Law of Moses says they should stone such a woman. What do you say Jesus? “He that is without sin cast the first stone.” That’s not even the best part. Then when everyone left Jesus bends down and asks the woman who is left to condemn her. She responds with no one. Then Jesus says I don’t condemn you either. You want to know what I never noticed about that until today?

She hadn’t even repented.

And He forgave her.

Jesus loved her right where she was at. Right in the middle of her sin. Jesus didn’t love a better, future version of her, but loved her as she was.

It’s almost like he bent down and said to her, “I haven’t cast you out, I’m right here with you. This valley of trouble has a purpose. I brought you out here, don’t lose heart. A better day is coming.”

So many of my friends that don’t know Jesus feel like they need to clean themselves up before they come to Jesus. If I had to clean myself up before I came to know the Lord, I’d be screwed. When I read this story about Jesus telling the religious leaders to basically piss off and stop judging her. I realize something. I am that woman. I am on the ground and I can’t seem to get this thing right. I mess up a lot, and Jesus is defending me. Jesus is meeting me where I’m at and loves me for the Becca right here right now. Not some future “better” version of Becca.
So God is not this cosmic kill joy, but the author and defender of it. Jesus wants joy, reconciliation, and to just love me right now in all my failures and shortcomings. That this faith and this gospel is not a check list that I must fulfill because I can’t. Most of the time I’m not in a very “churchy” mood. Like I said, I don’t wanna be painted with the same brush as those guys.

Maybe you’re the woman caught in adultery.

Maybe you’re a religious leader who has NO joy, just the law.

Maybe you’re not even a Christian, and honestly don’t want to be because all the church has done is hurt you and confused you.

Maybe you’re a Christian who has seen God for so long as the kill joy.

It kills me to think of my friends who don’t know the Lord and are so confused and hurt because of this false gospel Colorado Springs and the church overall seems to force on people. And I know if it hurts me, it has got be killing Jesus. That this is not what he had in mind.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate the church. I think that the church is a beautiful thing and is the Lord’s bride. Matt Chandler asks his church this; I really want to know when has it worked that you have said to a person outside of Christ, You know you really shouldn’t drink beer and they said, “You’re right. Can I go to church with you?” What does alcohol have to do with it?

It’s when we start to talk about God as our joy, delight, and pleasure and not duty and obligation, THAT is what people need to hear. I love that people can’t change themselves. No one can suddenly decide not to have a hard heart towards God. That is such good news.

Why that’s such good news is because you don’t have to fix your failures before you come to God. I should stop cussing, I really need to stop drinking, I need to quit lying to people and then maybe God will like me. No. You go to God and say please soften my heart.

What’s it like when no one else is around for you? Do you avoid thinking about what you’re doing with your life? Do you feel full and satisfied? All Christ asks is that we look up and say to him, Help me.