Tuesday, December 14, 2010

For Narnia


High schoolers are so hyper when they all get together. I guess that’s one of many reasons I love them. Tri-Lakes Younglife is definitely a manic group sometimes. Jerome (my car) and I headed off to go pick up a few kids from the skate park in Monument. Reid (another Younglife leader) came with and we were talking about the perfect new REI jackets we received from committee for Christmas. There is something about fleece jackets that just make you feel so native to Colorado. After jamming out to – embarrassingly—“Love Like Whoa” twice we arrive to the skate park to pick up Davin, Alex, George, and Cole. “Fancy” by Drake is another Younglife favorite (the clean version of course) so we bust that out whilst conveniently tucking Cole’s name into the lyrics. “Oh Cole’s fancy huh?”

Hollywood theater was waiting for us as well as the bursts of laughter from the rest of our group. We were seeing the new Narnia movie and I was trying my best to contain my excitement. Total nerd alert with how much I love and respect C.S. Lewis. As I went around hugging the teens I hadn’t seen yet and then being sneak attacked piggy backed by Brooke, I decided to go say hi to all the other leaders. Blake and his wife Dani also had their new jackets on as Dani and I laughed about how we matched. Twinzies. Jeremy gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing some of the kids. I high fived Josh and then made my way to Evette. Oh, how much I respect Evette. Evette has been involved with Younglife for over 30 years and simply is saturated with Christ. Every time I see her and speak to her, I feel closer to my Savior. She is one of those people who just, gets It.


Evette lost her husband, Mark, this year to a long battle with cancer. Last year I sat at a Younglife club night and listened to her give a talk before Mark passed about trusting in God. She could barely get her words out as she spoke through sobs. “I’m scared, but I know He will take care of me.” Silent, unspoken tears trailed down my face. I could barely wrap my mind around what Evette was saying. This year at club, Evette spoke about the Lord being a good shepherd. “Mark was a tangible example of Christ to me,” she said, “and now… Now I have Christ himself.” I pray that I have the relationship and faith that Evette does someday.

As I held back my tears at the end of Narnia, dwelling on the words of Aslan, and ultimately longing for heaven I heard a sniffle from behind me. Evette was wiping tears from off her beautiful face… my eyes instantly were invaded by tears. She spoke to me about how she read those books to her children many times. I spoke of how Lewis does an amazing job painting spiritual wonders. Evette looked at me through her wise eyes and tear stained face, “The longing in my heart is so great.”

I was shaken. Do I long for Heaven, for my King to return and make all things new?

Romans 8:22-24 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved.

Do I long? Rarely. Do I weep at the thought of seeing my Savior? Hardly. Oh that Christ may soften my calloused heart. I bet Evette thinks of Heaven daily, and that is now my prayer as well. May the longing in our hearts be great. I need to spend more time with Evette and learn from her I’ve decided. What an amazing woman God has placed into my life that I earnestly desire to learn from.

Walking out of that movie theater, driving Brooke and Maddy home, I had a deep self evaluation. There are many things Christ has changed in me, and there are many things still needing to change. As I pulled into my driveway and turned off Jerome’s engine I sat in my car. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick, I couldn’t leave. I dwelt in that moment and in His presence. I wanted to be still and know that He is God.

My thoughts were soon interrupted Stevie Wonder's “Sign Sealed Delivered” as my ringtone on my phone. Dang. As I pushed my key into the lock of my door and jimmied it to open I went into my room and read Revelations 22:1-5.

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign forever and ever.”

“You have returned for a reason. Your adventure begins now.” -Aslan

Friday, December 3, 2010

Who I am is Whose I am



Boring is the typical word I used to describe Thanksgiving with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I adore my grandparents and parents… but I can only pretend to be interested in political discussions for so long. I was elated to know that David (my brother) and Meredith (my sister-in-law) would be joining us this year. Potential discussions of ministry, theology, and memories of us being kids were on the horizon.

Something happened this Thanksgiving though that no preparation would have sufficed. The mash potatoes and stuffing had neatly been tucked away in the fridge as pie and coffee was served. David and Grandpa sat across from me in arm chairs as Meredith, my Nana, and I convened on the sofa. We listened to one of my favorite stories that I have heard dozens of times but could hear a hundred times more and that same smile would leak across my face. The story of how quickly my grandparents fell in love and were married… two weeks, people. When you know, you know I guess. I smiled and thought about how quickly David and Meredith were married. It must be a family thing. My Nana continued to tell the story of how God orchestrates our lives. I rarely hear my grandparents speak of their faith and my Nana’s words jolted my spirit.

“My self worth, who I am, comes ultimately from Him. All I know and need to know is that I am a child of God, and therefore I am more loved than I could have imagine and that is what makes me who I am.”

As words continued to drip from her lips I was reminded of Proverbs 31:26:

“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

I could have cried in that moment. There is something so powerful about sitting with three generations of your family and knowing that you all are completely in love with the Lord. That was the first time I ever knew that with all my heart. Just as Christ orchestrated the meeting of my grandparents, so He also wove together that moment for my heart. Who are we that you are mindful of the Billingsleas Lord? What a blessing to know that my children may grow up with Godly great grandparents and grandparents. The Holy Spirit’s presence in the room was thick, nearly tangible. My name is Rebecca Mary Billingslea, and I have the honor of carrying my Nana's name as my middle name. May I be as steadfast as her in her faith. I look forward to the day I arrive on the shores of heaven to be greeted by my Savior and my Nana and Grandpa.

Proverbs 16:31, “Gray hair is the a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Rescue

Stinging pain and striving all my days
Seamless pride. Your essence escapes me
I turn my eyes from You.
Where’s my rescue?
Placing Your placid hand upon the crest of my back
Your whisper is sweet to my ear.
Pray head to what You say
For You speak the deepest secrets of my heart.
Clenched soul and fist full of dissent.
Where’s my rescue?
Fractured and dysfunctional. Incapable of reprieve
Yet Your judgment is filled with compassion
My lips speak words which my soul does not agree.
So we dance under this cloak of civility.
I’m broken and beaten and worthless to You.
Swiftly come, for You are my rescue.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

What is the Bible About?

My beloved brother showed this video to me. What a beautiful yet harsh message Tim Keller exemplifies. This is definitely worth the watch.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Frisbee and the Holy of Holies



I think there are just certain moments in life where you are encased under the umbrella of holiness. There are short moments in life where God invites you so deeply into the Holy of Holies. Now there is a voluminous amount written in the Old Testament about the Tabernacle, Temple, the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies. We don’t have time for that but it’s definitely worth studying. (I remember in 7th grade I had to make a miniature model of what the temple grounds looked like…I pray that my cardboard, popsicle stick, Ark of the Covenant and tissue paper veil that divided the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies is not even close to this past reality.)

“Within the Holy Place of the tabernacle, there was an inner room called the Holy of Holies, or the Most Holy Place. Judging from its name, we can see that it was a most sacred room, a place no ordinary person could enter. It was God’s special dwelling place in the midst of His people. No human voice could be heard, only God’s.”

Since the veil has been torn, I believe there are moments that God invites us into “a place no ordinary person could enter”; a place that everything goes numb to sound and all you hear is the rhythm of His heart. These few, sacred moments in my life are usually not in a church service, worship set, or my personal study. They usually come to me when I least expect it. I had one a few days back…

I started Young Life/Wyldlife in December and that is where I met Reid. Reid and I are Wyldlife (Junior High…Lord help us) leaders together. Reid and I were up at Fox Run Park with his brothers Johnny and Kyle to play some Frisbee. Right as they arrived, God reminded us of His presence with a bellowing roll of thunder. Saturation is what followed next… It was so strange. It was down pouring and we all just kept playing. We said nothing. The thunder roared, we were drenched…but we just kept playing. The rain was so powerful now that we desisted from conversation due to the volume of the rain. All you could hear was rolling thunder and the Frisbee slicing through the rain drops. God was speaking to me in that moment.

Psalm 18:13, “The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.”

I could literally feel Him there; I swear I could hear Him breathing. His presence and power was so thick and tangible. I was reminded of Isaiah 29 where it says that the LORD Almighty will come with thunder. I looked up for a second (you got to be careful not to look up for too long while playing Frisbee or your new best friend might be a black eye) at those dark cloud that were yelling at us… and I wondered if He was coming back right then. I looked up anticipating His return.

I am learning to live with “One foot raised” as John Calvin so eloquently puts it. I am begging God to allow me to soften my heart and long for His return. May both my feet never be planted firmly on this Earth. He gave me a glimpse of Heaven that day. May we be a people who ache for the return of Christ and play frisbee in the rain.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Just Call Me Toxic




I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”


I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Appointed Times




“Mom, I can’t breathe in this country,” I complained as what once was sheen on my face now began to bead up and become not a glow but sheer sweat. “This is disgusting, it’s not even August and I can’t breathe.” Now, before you go all Varsity Coach on me and tell me to suck it up, have some sympathy, people. I haven’t been in America for summer in five years time (Did you just sing that in your head like I did? Good because that’s part of a song; I realize that. For those who are out of the musical loop, Five Years Time by Noah and the Whale. Go. Now.) Anyways, I have escaped the heat of Hades in America by venturing to the Emerald Isle (Again, for those of you outside of the humanity and general knowledge loop, that’s Ireland). What do you need to make an isle the color of emerald?

Rain. Precipitation. Downpour. Showers. Mizzle. Rainfall. Sprinkle. Rainwater. And oh yes, RAIN.

That is what I am used to; enduring wet socks, everlasting prune fingers, lasting bad hair days, and consistently feeling your jeans just are not quite dry. I suppose I never realized how close rain and I have become over the past several years of our relationship. He was around so much I began to not notice his cloud of presence in my life during the months of June through August. That’s until his brother Sunshine and I started hanging out this year. His personality is far dissimilar than Rain’s.

“Different is not bad, different is just…different.” –Paul Bowman

So this got me brooding. If I have met the family of rain, sunshine, sleet, humid, chilly, snow, and breezy, I must dwell deeper on their parents: Summer, Autumn, Winter, and Spring. Ah yes, the seasons. Seasons are a curious thing, wouldn’t you agree? Why do we have them? Why did God decide to create seasons? I came to the conclusion that God is a God of pictures. He is a genius and realizes that we are not. Seasons are much more than just seasons. So, what did I do? I took Google by the hand of course and asked him to lead me into the realms and depths of each season.

I suppose we should begin with the season that is most on my mind, or should I say the one that is causing this sheen all over my face which no makeup can cure; her name is Summer. Summer is a bit snooty if you ask me. She thinks she is better than everyone else. Just because you are hot, involve many people’s birthdays, have 4th of July and there is no school when you’re here doesn’t make you better, Summer. Summer can have moments where she shocks you though. Moments when she is not even trying and takes your mouth full of air right out of you. Sunsets, camping, laughter, swimming, baseball games, and perfect nights when you don’t need a jacket… That’s what we love about you Summer. Summer’s sister Winter is the complete opposite.

Winter. I adore winter. She is way prettier than she gives herself credit. Everyone underestimates and is so rude to Winter. Calm down everyone, Winter is just being herself. If I’m being honest with you, Winter….you just don’t know when to leave. You overstay your welcome quite often. I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you, but that’s why people here don’t like you as much as I do. You have to take a hint and know when to leave. You’re amazing though. Sledding, snowball fights, Jack Frost, Christmas, and that noise snow makes when your boots crinkle over it…. That’s what we love about you Winter. Winter is closest with her dear sister, Autumn.

Ah yes, Autumn. Autumn really should model, she is gorgeous. Her personality is contagious. I mean seriously, what bad things could you possibly say about Autumn? She will send chills through your veins at what she does. The maroons, oranges, and mustard yellows the burst forth from her heart is simply irresistible. She is not as dramatic as her sisters Summer and Winter. Raking leaves, Thanksgiving, football, harvest and breath taking colors…. That’s what we love about Autumn. Last but not least, Spring.

Spring’s name does her justice. She literally has so much LIFE pulsing through her. She’s vivacious, feisty, and knows how to bring the best out of everything. She has a way of seeing what is deep down inside things that you think has died and breathing life back into it. Spring…only one problem. Here in Colorado, we question if you’re ever going to show up. You’re always late to the party, Spring. Winter doesn’t know when to leave and you don’t know when to show up. All is forgiven once you do arrive though. Bumble bees, flowers, picnics, humming birds and vibrancy… That’s what we love about you Spring.

Well this has been cute, but it’s time to get down to business friends. WHY? Seasons, why do you exist? For cute moments like these, or for God to remind us; to remind me that there are physical, tangible season you can see… but there are also season deep within your spirit and heart. And you…YOU know exactly what I’m talking about.

Death, life, uprooted, planted tears, laughter, sunshine, darkness. In Genesis when God creates the seasons the Hebrew word for season is the same as the phrase, “appointed time”. We talk about the “seasons” of our own lives; I like “appointed times” better.

Did you know that a tree when it is first planted needs perfect conditions to grow? Google explained to me all about how the first year of a tree and going through the different seasons is crucial. There is a watering pattern for a baby tree that you have to keep up for the first YEAR…because it is most susceptible to attack….wow. Anyone else feeling a strong correlation here?

Also that baby tree’s first summer is pivotal. The baby tree won’t be a baby tree anymore at the end of an ideal summer. It’s tricky though; a fantastic summer will either ruin or flourish a baby tree. If it doesn’t get enough (living) water the tree can wither and dry up in a few days, oh but if a tree does get water it will grow up to 4 times its original size! What has been a “summer” in your life? A time of almost incubation where your growth rate was rapid, but only because the circumstances where so extreme. I wonder if a tree feels sometimes like we do in those summer seasons….that at any moment that blazing sun will take our life. That tree will say in the heat of summer, “Mom, I can’t breathe.”
Intense conditions produces intense growth.

Autumn is a time of change, preparation, harvest, and beauty. As the tree stops producing chlorophyll (what makes leaves green) the leaves change colors and begins to fall off the branches. Trees also get little or no water during this season. If the leaves remained, water would escape as water vapor through the tiny pores in the leaves. This way the tree can conserve water and stay alive. I wonder if a tree ever cries when it watches its stunning leaves that it has worked so hard on all year fall to the ground dead. Those leaves which were once glorious and colorful are being raked up to be shoved into black trash bags/ leaf body bags. I wonder if the tree shouts at God in those moments, “Those are mine! Don’t take them from me!” If that tree kept its leaves the second Jack Frost came knocking the tree would die. God takes the leaves from the tree not because he is evil, but because he knows winter is coming and that tree will die if it clings to its leaves. What has God stripped you of this year? What has God “taken” from you? What are the “leaves” in your life that you can’t seem to let go of? In my life I am in autumn right now… watching my beautiful leaves fall to the ground as I mourn their departure. Autumn is also the best time of the year to prune a tree. If the branches are not needed all they will do is steal nutrients from where the tree needs it most. How gracious is the Lord to eliminate the unnecessary junk in our lives. Whether we or the tree likes it or not those leaves are going to be taken away because He loves us and is not going to watch us kill ourselves in the winter, just because we wanted to cling to our leaves.

Buckle up tree, because its winter. Winter may look lifeless, desolate, and bleak…but miracles happen in winter. Cessation of active growth, formation of terminal buds, formation of abscission layers in leaves, development of cold resistance, development of winter rest….miracles people. A tree may look dormant but cell division, respiration, enzymes, and preparation for the buds is all going on during this season. I wonder if a tree is ever shocked by the first snow. I wonder if trees, like people, ever get season depression. Winter is long in Colorado and sometimes you wonder if sunshine still exists or was just a figment of your imagination. Winter doesn’t mean to, but it can slaughter life if a tree is not ready. How good is God that autumn is a time to get a tree ready for winter. What has been a winter in your life; a time where trouble came blowing in with no mercy… a time when you wondered if the Sun was only a dream from long ago. In what ways did God prepare you for that season? Are you in the winter now and questioning if you’re even still alive? How striking that the most brutal and ruthless season is followed by spring.

Spring has sprung. I hate that trite saying, but it’s true. Spring cannot hide from us. She comes out and has us captivated by her beauty. Trees and plants blossom in spring and their colors and fragrance is intoxicating. Those buds and bulbs that felt so lifeless in winter are now bursting forth and enchanting all of creation. The cherry tree is unsightly in the winter only to enamor us with her beauty in spring. What once was dead is now alive again. God will give you back your leaves and blossoms and you will worship him more for it. You can tell when someone is going through their spring in life. When someone is radiant and flourishing with Christ. Like a mother after the labor of childbirth who is most beautiful, so are we in the spring after the winter.

“Appointed times” are not just in creation; they are in you. May you take heart if you are in the winter, surrender your leaves in the fall, trust that you will grow and not wither in the summer, and burst forth His brilliance in the spring.