Frisbee and the Holy of Holies

I think there are just certain moments in life where you are encased under the umbrella of holiness. There are short moments in life where God invites you so deeply into the Holy of Holies. Now there is a voluminous amount written in the Old Testament about the Tabernacle, Temple, the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies. We don’t have time for that but it’s definitely worth studying. (I remember in 7th grade I had to make a miniature model of what the temple grounds looked like…I pray that my cardboard, popsicle stick, Ark of the Covenant and tissue paper veil that divided the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies is not even close to this past reality.)

“Within the Holy Place of the tabernacle, there was an inner room called the Holy of Holies, or the Most Holy Place. Judging from its name, we can see that it was a most sacred room, a place no ordinary person could enter. It was God’s special dwelling place in the midst of His people. No human voice could be heard, only God’s.”

Since the veil has been torn, I believe there are moments that God invites us into “a place no ordinary person could enter”; a place that everything goes numb to sound and all you hear is the rhythm of His heart. These few, sacred moments in my life are usually not in a church service, worship set, or my personal study. They usually come to me when I least expect it. I had one a few days back…

I started Young Life/Wyldlife in December and that is where I met Reid. Reid and I are Wyldlife (Junior High…Lord help us) leaders together. Reid and I were up at Fox Run Park with his brothers Johnny and Kyle to play some Frisbee. Right as they arrived, God reminded us of His presence with a bellowing roll of thunder. Saturation is what followed next… It was so strange. It was down pouring and we all just kept playing. We said nothing. The thunder roared, we were drenched…but we just kept playing. The rain was so powerful now that we desisted from conversation due to the volume of the rain. All you could hear was rolling thunder and the Frisbee slicing through the rain drops. God was speaking to me in that moment.

Psalm 18:13, “The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.”

I could literally feel Him there; I swear I could hear Him breathing. His presence and power was so thick and tangible. I was reminded of Isaiah 29 where it says that the LORD Almighty will come with thunder. I looked up for a second (you got to be careful not to look up for too long while playing Frisbee or your new best friend might be a black eye) at those dark cloud that were yelling at us… and I wondered if He was coming back right then. I looked up anticipating His return.

I am learning to live with “One foot raised” as John Calvin so eloquently puts it. I am begging God to allow me to soften my heart and long for His return. May both my feet never be planted firmly on this Earth. He gave me a glimpse of Heaven that day. May we be a people who ache for the return of Christ and play frisbee in the rain.

Just Call Me Toxic

I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”

I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”