The Time Has Come...

"The time has come the walrus said to talk of many things..."

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For Narnia

High schoolers are so hyper when they all get together. I guess that’s one of many reasons I love them. Tri-Lakes Younglife is definitely a manic group sometimes. Jerome (my car) and I headed off to go pick up a few kids from the skate park in Monument. Reid (another Younglife leader) came with and we were talking about the perfect new REI jackets we received from committee for Christmas. There is something about fleece jackets that just make you feel so native to Colorado. After jamming out to – embarrassingly—“Love Like Whoa” twice we arrive to the skate park to pick up Davin, Alex, George, and Cole. “Fancy” by Drake is another Younglife favorite (the clean version of course) so we bust that out whilst conveniently tucking Cole’s name into the lyrics. “Oh Cole’s fancy huh?”

Hollywood theater was waiting for us as well as the bursts of laughter from the rest of our group. We were seeing the new Narnia movie and I was trying my best to contain my excitement. Total nerd alert with how much I love and respect C.S. Lewis. As I went around hugging the teens I hadn’t seen yet and then being sneak attacked piggy backed by Brooke, I decided to go say hi to all the other leaders. Blake and his wife Dani also had their new jackets on as Dani and I laughed about how we matched. Twinzies. Jeremy gave me a hug and thanked me for bringing some of the kids. I high fived Josh and then made my way to Evette. Oh, how much I respect Evette. Evette has been involved with Younglife for over 30 years and simply is saturated with Christ. Every time I see her and speak to her, I feel closer to my Savior. She is one of those people who just, gets It.


Evette lost her husband, Mark, this year to a long battle with cancer. Last year I sat at a Younglife club night and listened to her give a talk before Mark passed about trusting in God. She could barely get her words out as she spoke through sobs. “I’m scared, but I know He will take care of me.” Silent, unspoken tears trailed down my face. I could barely wrap my mind around what Evette was saying. This year at club, Evette spoke about the Lord being a good shepherd. “Mark was a tangible example of Christ to me,” she said, “and now… Now I have Christ himself.” I pray that I have the relationship and faith that Evette does someday.

As I held back my tears at the end of Narnia, dwelling on the words of Aslan, and ultimately longing for heaven I heard a sniffle from behind me. Evette was wiping tears from off her beautiful face… my eyes instantly were invaded by tears. She spoke to me about how she read those books to her children many times. I spoke of how Lewis does an amazing job painting spiritual wonders. Evette looked at me through her wise eyes and tear stained face, “The longing in my heart is so great.”

I was shaken. Do I long for Heaven, for my King to return and make all things new?

Romans 8:22-24 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved.

Do I long? Rarely. Do I weep at the thought of seeing my Savior? Hardly. Oh that Christ may soften my calloused heart. I bet Evette thinks of Heaven daily, and that is now my prayer as well. May the longing in our hearts be great. I need to spend more time with Evette and learn from her I’ve decided. What an amazing woman God has placed into my life that I earnestly desire to learn from.

Walking out of that movie theater, driving Brooke and Maddy home, I had a deep self evaluation. There are many things Christ has changed in me, and there are many things still needing to change. As I pulled into my driveway and turned off Jerome’s engine I sat in my car. The presence of the Holy Spirit was so thick, I couldn’t leave. I dwelt in that moment and in His presence. I wanted to be still and know that He is God.

My thoughts were soon interrupted Stevie Wonder's “Sign Sealed Delivered” as my ringtone on my phone. Dang. As I pushed my key into the lock of my door and jimmied it to open I went into my room and read Revelations 22:1-5.

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign forever and ever.”

“You have returned for a reason. Your adventure begins now.” -Aslan

Who I am is Whose I am

Boring is the typical word I used to describe Thanksgiving with my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I adore my grandparents and parents… but I can only pretend to be interested in political discussions for so long. I was elated to know that David (my brother) and Meredith (my sister-in-law) would be joining us this year. Potential discussions of ministry, theology, and memories of us being kids were on the horizon.

Something happened this Thanksgiving though that no preparation would have sufficed. The mash potatoes and stuffing had neatly been tucked away in the fridge as pie and coffee was served. David and Grandpa sat across from me in arm chairs as Meredith, my Nana, and I convened on the sofa. We listened to one of my favorite stories that I have heard dozens of times but could hear a hundred times more and that same smile would leak across my face. The story of how quickly my grandparents fell in love and were married… two weeks, people. When you know, you know I guess. I smiled and thought about how quickly David and Meredith were married. It must be a family thing. My Nana continued to tell the story of how God orchestrates our lives. I rarely hear my grandparents speak of their faith and my Nana’s words jolted my spirit.

“My self worth, who I am, comes ultimately from Him. All I know and need to know is that I am a child of God, and therefore I am more loved than I could have imagine and that is what makes me who I am.”

As words continued to drip from her lips I was reminded of Proverbs 31:26:

“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

I could have cried in that moment. There is something so powerful about sitting with three generations of your family and knowing that you all are completely in love with the Lord. That was the first time I ever knew that with all my heart. Just as Christ orchestrated the meeting of my grandparents, so He also wove together that moment for my heart. Who are we that you are mindful of the Billingsleas Lord? What a blessing to know that my children may grow up with Godly great grandparents and grandparents. The Holy Spirit’s presence in the room was thick, nearly tangible. My name is Rebecca Mary Billingslea, and I have the honor of carrying my Nana's name as my middle name. May I be as steadfast as her in her faith. I look forward to the day I arrive on the shores of heaven to be greeted by my Savior and my Nana and Grandpa.

Proverbs 16:31, “Gray hair is the a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”

Rescue

Stinging pain and striving all my days
Seamless pride. Your essence escapes me
I turn my eyes from You.
Where’s my rescue?
Placing Your placid hand upon the crest of my back
Your whisper is sweet to my ear.
Pray head to what You say
For You speak the deepest secrets of my heart.
Clenched soul and fist full of dissent.
Where’s my rescue?
Fractured and dysfunctional. Incapable of reprieve
Yet Your judgment is filled with compassion
My lips speak words which my soul does not agree.
So we dance under this cloak of civility.
I’m broken and beaten and worthless to You.
Swiftly come, for You are my rescue.

What is the Bible About?

My beloved brother showed this video to me. What a beautiful yet harsh message Tim Keller exemplifies. This is definitely worth the watch.

Frisbee and the Holy of Holies

I think there are just certain moments in life where you are encased under the umbrella of holiness. There are short moments in life where God invites you so deeply into the Holy of Holies. Now there is a voluminous amount written in the Old Testament about the Tabernacle, Temple, the Holy Place, and the Holy of Holies. We don’t have time for that but it’s definitely worth studying. (I remember in 7th grade I had to make a miniature model of what the temple grounds looked like…I pray that my cardboard, popsicle stick, Ark of the Covenant and tissue paper veil that divided the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies is not even close to this past reality.)

“Within the Holy Place of the tabernacle, there was an inner room called the Holy of Holies, or the Most Holy Place. Judging from its name, we can see that it was a most sacred room, a place no ordinary person could enter. It was God’s special dwelling place in the midst of His people. No human voice could be heard, only God’s.”

Since the veil has been torn, I believe there are moments that God invites us into “a place no ordinary person could enter”; a place that everything goes numb to sound and all you hear is the rhythm of His heart. These few, sacred moments in my life are usually not in a church service, worship set, or my personal study. They usually come to me when I least expect it. I had one a few days back…

I started Young Life/Wyldlife in December and that is where I met Reid. Reid and I are Wyldlife (Junior High…Lord help us) leaders together. Reid and I were up at Fox Run Park with his brothers Johnny and Kyle to play some Frisbee. Right as they arrived, God reminded us of His presence with a bellowing roll of thunder. Saturation is what followed next… It was so strange. It was down pouring and we all just kept playing. We said nothing. The thunder roared, we were drenched…but we just kept playing. The rain was so powerful now that we desisted from conversation due to the volume of the rain. All you could hear was rolling thunder and the Frisbee slicing through the rain drops. God was speaking to me in that moment.

Psalm 18:13, “The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.”

I could literally feel Him there; I swear I could hear Him breathing. His presence and power was so thick and tangible. I was reminded of Isaiah 29 where it says that the LORD Almighty will come with thunder. I looked up for a second (you got to be careful not to look up for too long while playing Frisbee or your new best friend might be a black eye) at those dark cloud that were yelling at us… and I wondered if He was coming back right then. I looked up anticipating His return.

I am learning to live with “One foot raised” as John Calvin so eloquently puts it. I am begging God to allow me to soften my heart and long for His return. May both my feet never be planted firmly on this Earth. He gave me a glimpse of Heaven that day. May we be a people who ache for the return of Christ and play frisbee in the rain.

Just Call Me Toxic

I am learning that I am toxic. I am a shattered, evil, dark, twisted, sinful, perverted, and broken. I think about where I have been, what dark roads I have ventured down, what evil leaks from my lips, and the state of my heart. I am a liar, thief, cheater, used people and pretended to be righteous…

And I have forgotten that.

I have forgotten how wicked my heart is and I have convinced others around me to forget as well. I am Becca Billingslea. I have it all together. I have goals and high hopes, I have an amazing family, stellar job…I’m kind of a big deal.

2 Sam. 22:28, “You save the humble, but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them low.”

Oh, how the Lord is bringing me low. God knows where to hit me hardest is in my relationships, so He has began to fracture some that are precious to me. People that I have deceived for a long time now are realizing I am NOT a big deal, but that I… I am wicked. So what do I do with that?

Fix it. I like to fix things. Thats why I like working with young people, because they are broken and God allows me to be a part of the mending and fixing process. So I decided I would just fix all these relationships. Tighten up the screws, double knot it, band aid/ stitches, and Ta-Da! All better. But not this time. I can’t fix this…and I hate that. I tried and it didn’t work.

At church on Sunday we talked about…I’ll give you one guess. Relationships! Have you ever had that moment in church where you just want to yell out, “SHUT UP!” to the pastor? That he must be stalking you and wrote this sermon for you. I wish I would have just slept in and not come…but God had other plans. He pulled an arrow out of his quiver and shot it at my heart…


“You’re not as good of a friend as you think you are.”

I looked down and saw the arrow protruding from my heart as blood began to seep through my white shirt. It hurt.

“You want relationships on YOUR terms.”

Ok, was a second arrow really necessary? Come on! I pride myself on being a good friend and now he is telling me I am NOT? Pride. Lots and lots of pride.
Next thing I knew I looked like I had been to Medieval acupuncture, arrows where sticking out all over and I was a bleeding mess. He went on to speak about how we chase so hard after righteousness or “Godly” friendships when in all reality if we would simply pursue Christ, the rest would just fall into place. My relationships are fracturing because He is asking me, am I enough for you? If you were exposed for how truly sinful you are and everyone left your side… would you take My hand and say, “At least I still have You, and You are enough.” When we make Christ our pursuit, healthy friendships and righteousness are simply a byproduct.

So in that moment I fell to my knees and said, “Help me.” I need more of you. I can’t fix this. There is not answer to my problems but there is a person named Jesus who is the answer to everything. My heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, but You say that you have given me a new heart…so I will trust that.

“Learning to let Jesus catch you is an art…because we fight it. We flail and thrash as we fall, trying to save ourselves from the impact that we know is coming instead of merely realizing we have fallen and knowing He will catch us.”

So, here I go. I have already began to fall and I have made it very difficult for Him to catch me, but I said in that moment at church…take it. I can’t fix it.

“God sees the brokenness in your life and wants you anyways.”

It was in that moment that Christ came to me, a gory mess, and said, "Let me help you?" He is beginning to mend me as I have given these hurts to Him, finally after much hostility. Maybe people will never forgive me, maybe He will redeem these relationships, but for now… Now I am praying; praying for restoration and the art of falling. Praying for friends, who like Christ will say,

“I see your brokenness and I want you anyways.”

Romans 5:6-8 “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”