Tumor

Matt Chandler.


Matt Chandler?


Matt Chandler is not your typical Christian.
Matt Chandler is hilarious.
Matt Chandler has a beautiful wife, Lauren and three gorgeous kids.
Matt Chandler is the senior pastor at the Village Church in Dallas.
Matt Chandler changed my life simply by preaching the true Word.
Matt Chandler had a seizure on Thanksgiving Day.
Matt Chandler has a brain tumor.

What just happened?

Everything was perfect. Amazing wife, kids, job, church, life.

I really was not expecting this whole Matt Chandler has a brain tumor thing to affect me like it has. The craziest part of all is that Matt is not the one who really shook me up about all this…it was His wife Lauren.

After I found out I stumbled across Lauren’s blog. As I read Lauren’s deepest emotions about all this so many emotions overwhelmed me too. Their quiet and sure trust in the Lord was remarkable. As I gazed at a nearly perfect picture of her and Matt in a field, the sun shinning behind them, and as Matt embraced Lauren from behind and steals a kiss from off her neck while a contagious smile spreads across her face an emotion hit me.

I don’t even know what to call it. Fear maybe. Matt and Lauren’s story is beautiful and here they are in a field, in love, enjoying life and each other and all that was changed in moments. What scares me even more is how calm and peaceful they are about all of this.

What if one day my husband gets taken from me? Or one of my kids? How do people go through things like this? I don’t want these typical answers. Look, I know all the right answers I’m supposed to say. God will give you a peace, the Lord gives and takes away, it’s all in His hands. I KNOW! But these people are living in it right now. Living in heartache, yet with peace and joy. Its easy to know it, but my gosh they are IN it.

I know all the right answers of God works all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8). Maybe these things that we all know don’t penetrate until it happens. Maybe Matt and Lauren knew this all along and now…now they get to feel and believe it for the first time. That when people say God is good, it has whole new meaning to them now.

This story has messed with me so much the last week, in a good but painful way. Where is my hope? Where is my joy? Where is my trust? I don’t just want to know its in my Savior, I want to feel and believe it to my core. To glorify Him, becase HE is better than anything. Better than relationships, better than health, better than my family, better than laughter, better than anything. Thank you, Matt and Lauren, for sharing this struggle and being so faithful to the Lord. I want to make much of Christ in all things not just the easy things. In college, at work, when I’m playing guitar, when I buckle my seat belt, when I text my brother back, when I read a good book, when I smile at a stranger, or even if I find out I have a brain tumor. I will never cease, because Your steadfast love is better than even life. (Psalm 63)

Help Me

Do you ever wish you weren't a Christian?

No...I don't mean like that.

Have you ever watched one of those shows on TV of Christians who are just telling lies? Like buy this holy oil, try harder to be good, you better love Jesus or burn.

"I don't wanna be painted with the same paint brush as these guys. How did the greatest message in the world get hijacked by these fools? How did the most beautiful, most tender, most awesome message ever get hijacked by these fools?"
-Matt Chandler

I feel like so many things are being revealed to me lately about the true Gospel. Like, what Jesus truly had to say about things. Like relationships, marriage, and sex. God is the cosmic kill joy of pleasure right? At least that has always been what I was taught.

What if He is not.
What if He is the author of it.
What if He created such things for us to enjoy.

You know that story when the woman is caught in adultery and they drag her into the town square and throw her in front of Jesus. The Pharisees say that the Law of Moses says they should stone such a woman. What do you say Jesus? “He that is without sin cast the first stone.” That’s not even the best part. Then when everyone left Jesus bends down and asks the woman who is left to condemn her. She responds with no one. Then Jesus says I don’t condemn you either. You want to know what I never noticed about that until today?

She hadn’t even repented.

And He forgave her.

Jesus loved her right where she was at. Right in the middle of her sin. Jesus didn’t love a better, future version of her, but loved her as she was.

It’s almost like he bent down and said to her, “I haven’t cast you out, I’m right here with you. This valley of trouble has a purpose. I brought you out here, don’t lose heart. A better day is coming.”

So many of my friends that don’t know Jesus feel like they need to clean themselves up before they come to Jesus. If I had to clean myself up before I came to know the Lord, I’d be screwed. When I read this story about Jesus telling the religious leaders to basically piss off and stop judging her. I realize something. I am that woman. I am on the ground and I can’t seem to get this thing right. I mess up a lot, and Jesus is defending me. Jesus is meeting me where I’m at and loves me for the Becca right here right now. Not some future “better” version of Becca.
So God is not this cosmic kill joy, but the author and defender of it. Jesus wants joy, reconciliation, and to just love me right now in all my failures and shortcomings. That this faith and this gospel is not a check list that I must fulfill because I can’t. Most of the time I’m not in a very “churchy” mood. Like I said, I don’t wanna be painted with the same brush as those guys.

Maybe you’re the woman caught in adultery.

Maybe you’re a religious leader who has NO joy, just the law.

Maybe you’re not even a Christian, and honestly don’t want to be because all the church has done is hurt you and confused you.

Maybe you’re a Christian who has seen God for so long as the kill joy.

It kills me to think of my friends who don’t know the Lord and are so confused and hurt because of this false gospel Colorado Springs and the church overall seems to force on people. And I know if it hurts me, it has got be killing Jesus. That this is not what he had in mind.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate the church. I think that the church is a beautiful thing and is the Lord’s bride. Matt Chandler asks his church this; I really want to know when has it worked that you have said to a person outside of Christ, You know you really shouldn’t drink beer and they said, “You’re right. Can I go to church with you?” What does alcohol have to do with it?

It’s when we start to talk about God as our joy, delight, and pleasure and not duty and obligation, THAT is what people need to hear. I love that people can’t change themselves. No one can suddenly decide not to have a hard heart towards God. That is such good news.

Why that’s such good news is because you don’t have to fix your failures before you come to God. I should stop cussing, I really need to stop drinking, I need to quit lying to people and then maybe God will like me. No. You go to God and say please soften my heart.

What’s it like when no one else is around for you? Do you avoid thinking about what you’re doing with your life? Do you feel full and satisfied? All Christ asks is that we look up and say to him, Help me.

Remember

Being old one day terrifies me. This fear was solidified the other day while I was working. As many of you know, I work as a waitress and overall love it. Sometimes though, I swear it is one of the most difficult jobs out there. I have been serving for awhile so not much surprises me anymore. Yell at me, spill something, tell me your food is cold twelve times, really...not much surprises me anymore. Well, I was in for quite the surprise this weekend.
It was a Friday night and we were BUSY. I go to greet a table of an elderly couple and they began to tell me about their life, all of it. I mean, I was at this table for like a decent amount of time. They told me EVERYTHING. It was weird. Anyways, that's not the weirdest part. They begin to order and are trying to decide if they want to split a steak, next thing I knew they were fighting about it. It started off not too bad, but then, people we are talking full on fight. Yelling, name calling, fighting. I ask them if they would like me to go grab their drinks while they talk and I get their order after...NO! They mutually responded in anger. I sat and watched these elderly people bicker and say "You always do this..." and honestly, tear each other down. Awkward is an understatement.
Many would think this is just an odd experience, but it had haunted me since then. Why you ask? Simple. At first I thought, "Man, I hope my husband and I never do that one day." That we never become so bitter and jaded from years and years together that we can't even agree on what to eat. Then it hit me... I hope I don't act that way to Jesus one day.
These people were in love one day. They got married. She put on a white dress, her father her gave her away, and they pledged their love to one another and slipped rings on each other's finger. Now? Now they are so resentful, so calloused, so...forgetful of their wedding day. Who have they become? They are not the same people that walked down the isle. Am I the same girl who wept when Jesus reached down into the mire and said, "This one's mine." Have I forgotten my wedding day?
It reminded me of a sermon I listened to by Matt Chandler. He is talking about remembering what you were saved from, remembering my "wedding day" to Jesus. He says when we remember what we've been saved from is we begin to exalt in a God who is the only one who can save us. We begin to love His righteousness because ours just keeps failing. How many of you haven't been disappointed with yourself? Hadn't when you're all by yourself thought dang it, when am I going to figure this out? You can't depend on your own righteousness it doesn't get you anything but unliked by others.
The thing that can occur to us in church is that we can develope this ritual of church that requires nothing of our heart. We can know the routine, language, and be completely untouched by Jesus Christ. So I'm begging Jesus that I grow old in his arms. That I remember our "wedding day" and out love only grows deeper in my age. Not growing bitter or going out to eat just to go out to eat, not to enjoy each other's company.

Love and Marriage

So David got married. haha, that's weird to write. My amazing, man of God brother is married to the most amazing woman of God, Meredith. It was such a great wedding, and I have never seen David so happy.

The Colorado people started invading Dallas, Texas on about Thursday, Sept. 10th. It was so awesome getting ready for the wedding in every way possible. Programs, ribbions to cut, nails to be done, parties to go to, and laughs to be shared. It was like everyone had been injected with joy and giggles and we were all high on the David and Meredith love bug. :)

Finally on the day of the wedding after everything was in place, the ceremony commenced. Now, this is the first wedding I have been to since I have not just known about my Savior, but loved Him. So, I asked God to show me Him in this wedding. The bridal party has entered, the candles have been lit, David is standing taking deep breaths, and is waiting for his bride to enter. The doors open and it was if for a moment everyone held their breath. I glance back at my brother, and tears are streaming down his face. He bites his lip to try and hold back a gasp. Now, David is no cry baby. I have never seen him cry like that before and I don't know if I ever will again. Every step she took closer to him another tear fell. It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever seen.

God whispered to me, "I can't wait to see you face to face one day." It caught me so off guard. Wow. If this is how my fallen brother feels about a fallen bride, how much more does Jesus long for us, His bride to enter into His courts. If tears streamed down David's face...will they stream down my Jesus' face when He sees me? We sang "Be Thou My Vision" and as I sang, "Thou and Thou only, first in my heart." I had to choke back my tears.

I listened to a sermon the other day and the pastor said, "Christians don't tell lies, they sing them." Those words rang so loud in my ears as I sang that, because how many times has He not been the only thing on the throne of our hearts. School, work, guys, vanity, pride, church, friendships, just junk. How often to we dethrone our Jesus to replace Him with something that pales in comparison.

The beauty of all of this is that divorce is not an option. Divorce for David and Meredith is not an option. Divorce for Jesus and us is not an option. We arrived at the final verse of the song and sang, "Heart of my own heart, whatever befall..." Whatever happens you have my heart, and I have Yours and that will never change. No matter how many times we "cheat" on Him, divorce is not an option.

David and Mere love each other in a way that I have never seen before. They are destined for each other. They are so amazing together. They are better together than apart. Now, replace the names David and Mere in that sentence with Jesus and your name. I pray and beg people say that about my Savior and me. Jesus and Becca love each other in a way that I have never seen before. They are destined for each other. They are so amazing together. They are better together than apart...

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart..."

The Heart of the Matter

Getting ready for bed is always enjoyable for me for some reason. Brushing my teeth, getting into some sweat pants and an over sized t-shirt, and finally crawling under the covers is just blissful. Proly because I'm so dang tired at night now, but the last few nights the same thing keeps happening... Have you ever laid your head down on your pillow and you can hear the blood pumping in your ear? Like, you can literally hear and feel your heart beating. That happens to me a lot and usually, I just roll over and resituate. The last few nights, however, I have just sat for awhile and listened to it, and thought, "Oh my gosh, that's amazing."

Did you know that your heart beats about 100,000 times in one day?!

Your body has 6 liters of blood and pumps it ALL through the body three times every minute.

In a single day, the blood travels 12,000 miles. That's the distance of the US, coast to coast....four times.

And usually I just roll over to sleep when I hear that sweet, miracle of a noise.

That noise can really keep you awake I discovered. So, I started to think about how I feel like God is always whispering to me how much He loves me in the tiny ways. Maybe that noise, is way more than just a noise. I think...no I KNOW that's God telling me he is pumping my blood, that He is making my heart beat, and that He loves me.

So, as this thought process is going on in my head, I start to think even more. I finally end up thinking about how amazing the heart is, and contemplate what a crucial part of the body it is... and literally this is what I thought, "Holy crap...the heart is pivotal to the body! God you SO did that on purpose! You TOTALLY made it that way intentionally!

Haha, how did I miss it. God made the physical heart so important and so vital, to show us how the spiritual heart is even more essential. Just as a body without a healthy heart is on its way to to death, so are we without a spiritually strong heart. So, then my mind races to all the parallels of a physical vs. a spiritual heart.

How hearing that you have a "heart" problem is such a devastating phrase to hear. Both physically and spiritually. How we all want a strong and healthy heart. Protect your heart. What's the heart of the matter. His heart stopped beating.

Then I started thinking about my life. About my heart. I feel like my heart is strong and healthy. Why? Suddenly, it hit me..... Heart transplant. Now, maybe you have already thought about these things and you are getting bored, but sorry, I haven't. I mean, we all know that God is in creation. God is mighty because of the mighty mountains, God is powerful like the storm, warm like the sun, etc. But we are talking about blood and an organ here. Not a cute shaped heart like little girls love to draw. We are talking a nasty mass of tissue.

I was dying of heart failure. I needed a donor. Did you know that 550,000 people are newly diagnosed with congestive heart failure in the US every year. Over 300,000 people die from it each year, while others are still fighting to survive... waiting for a donor. Only 2,210 heart transplants happen in a year on average in the US. There aren't enough donors...physical donors.

This is the part in my mind that goes like this. The doctor walks into the waiting room, as my mom and dad stand up in anticipation. It's been a long, hard battle. "Miss Billingslea, I have great news. We found a donor..."

Ezekiel 36:26, "I will give you a new heart..."

Lay in bed tonight.

Set your head down.

Listen to the beating of your heart.

And you thank God for giving you a donor.

Listen...

Shhh. Do you hear that? That, my friend, is the sound of nothing...and I like it. These last few months have been a blur. Country hopping will do that to you, I suppose. I feel like I'm so different than I used to be. Even in the last six months Jesus has changed me...like not just changed as in I lift my hands during worship, I don't say crap anymore (I still do), or reading my Bible more, you see all that is physical stuff. I'm talking about genuine, deep heart and personality change. Jesus started breaking me about six or seven months ago, and this summer was like pouring gas on the fire. Northern Ireland always screws me up in the best way possible. Going to the Czech Republic and living with Petra really messed with me too. Maybe that what He wants though. Maybe He doesn't want to leave us alone. Maybe he wants to mess with our minds, circumstances, friends, hearts, and habits.
I am perfecting the art of aloneness. I have felt uncommonly lonely since I have been back in the States. Living with Paul and Val, Josh M., Petra, Lauren, and Addison this summer taught me so much. Coming home to my parents (who are fantastic and so amazing by the way) has been a culture shock in and of itself. Going from a myriad of teens and roommates, to two is peculiar. There is a huge difference between loneliness and aloneness, I am learnin. Loneliness is a lack of people, aloneness is cloaking yourself in silence and presence of God. I am doing a study and the pastor said, "Lonely people have a unique way of encountering God in a way that only the lonely can." Maybe God wants me to be alone right now. Maybe all my friends are scattered for a reason. Serenity in Boston, David in Dallas, Petra in the Czech Republic, Lauren in Washington, the Bowmans and all of Saintfield in N. Ireland, Niki in Denver, Ryan and Matt in Fort Collins... Maybe just as a husband and wife move away from their family and only have each other, God wants to run away with me; beckoning me to delve into His character.
Reading the Old Testament weirds me out. It makes me feel like I don't even know this God I so deeply adore. It's like living with someone your entire life and then they do something that makes you go, "Have you always been like this?" Like brushing their teeth weird or eating Oreos funny or something. I don't know if that makes sense... anyways, I have had a recent fascination with this OT God. I need to understand Him better.
I feel like He has opened my eyes to some crazy stuff though. Which has been epic to say the least. People are going to get saved....I feel it. People I work with are thinking and asking me questions like never before. Tears have been shed, hearts are broken, and lives are a mess...its perfect. Paul Bowman always tells me that stuff grows best when there is crap around it. Like corn/people. For the first time in a long time...nope, for the first time ever, I am begging God for people's souls at my work. I am such a Bible and text person that sometimes when the Holy Spirit is thick in the kitchen of my work it gives me goose bumps (or life bumps as Steph likes to call them!) and is creepy, yet so awesome. I wonder what will happen next in His story.
I am so thankful for the people who are around me here and spiritually deep. My amazing family, Steph, Taylor, Esther...several others (Phil Wickham and Brandon Heath have been my buddies as of late haha). I love my family back in N. Ireland that is still supporting me and loving on me, and Petra and Josh M. have been amazing.
So where ever you are right now do me a favor? Turn off your music or whatever and listen....do you hear that? Sit in the aloneness. Sit in the being and stop doing.

Hosea 2:14, 16 "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. "And it shall be, in that day,” Says the LORD, “ That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ And no longer call Me ‘My Master.'"