"Something deep inside me hates it when I pray."
My friend, ally, and co-laborer Taylor Ashley said that in his most recent blog. Those words were in fact God's deliberate words to me...yet again. You see this whole prayer thing has been tormenting me for sometime now.
I
can't
pray.
It has always been a battle for me to pray well and often. I can pray for other people no problem. I can pray for David and Meredith's marriage, for my sister, for Taylor as he is in Germany, I can pray for Stephanie, Josh, Chris, Jeremy and Anne, Paul and Val, Petra, I can basically pray for anyone anytime.
But....when it comes to really praying for those bold things in our lives. I can't. I will explain...
It was really bugging the hell out of me, like that itch on your back you can't reach. So I gave up...for a long time. I sat down and excitedly opened the book my friend Aaron let me borrow Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I didn't really know what the book was about, but I liked his book Crazy Love so I was ready. What I was not ready for was what happened in Chapter 2.
Chapter 2- "What Are You Afraid Of?"
Right when I read that my heart shivered. To make a long story short, I decorate the ceiling of my car with magazine words or phrases that mean something to me. A few days back I ripped out...you guessed it..."What Are You Afraid Of?" I don't even really know why, I just liked it.
Chan went on to probe and shine the light on something so horrible and dark within me. "I believe some other fears need to be identified and dealt with. One concern I've often heard (and felt) is, what if I pray and nothing happens? Its scary to boldly pray for change or freedom from sin, because if nothing happens, then doesn't that mean God failed?... I can't imagine how much it pains God to see His children hold back from relationship with the Holy Spirit out of fear that He won't come through" (Chan, pg. 47-48).
Hot tears ran down my face as I finally put everything together; like finishing a puzzle that is no tranquil sunset, no beautiful lighthouse, but a gruesome and loathsome scene that you are apart of.
I can't pray because I think He'll fail me.
I won't ask for Him to give me the fruits of the Spirit. I can't ask God to grant me more peace and joy than I have ever known, because what if when my alarm goes off tomorrow I wake up more anxious and depressed than I have ever felt. I can't ask for him to make me more patient because what if I get angry at work again. I can't ask God to drop plane ticket costs to Ireland because what if they go up, and if they go up I can't pray for God to show me favor at work to make more money, because what if I don't.
There it is. Exposed. Divulged. Unveiled. It disgusted me. I cried like I haven't in awhile. How could I have been believing this lie for so long? How could I possibly believe that my majestic and wonderful Husband would fail me. I briefly spoke to my Dad about it that morning. He said how often we forget that we are in a war and that there is an enemy. We always think this is me screwing up or God failing me when in all reality it is the evil prince of this world lying to us. This was a deep root that took sometime to pull up out of those evil constraints. I know something that deep can't come out in one simple yank, but am so glad that I know that its there now. So thankful for the Holy Spirit keeping His word and not failing me. That He is my Counselor and Sanctifier. That it hurts, but He will not let this work go unfinished (Jer. 29:11).
THEN
I
sat
down
and
PRAYED
"Something deep inside me hates it when I pray."
Its going to be a process. He is purifying, cleansing, and exonerating me. I did what He has told all of us to do...
Repent. Believe.
I sunk into His promises, because I had no where else to go. Like a child playing hide-and-go-seek and the counter yells that they are coming, but you haven't had time to hide yet so you run to what place you know....I didn't have time to hide this time. So I ran to Him. He is all I know.
2 Cor. 3:18, "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
Thank you Father.
Thank you Jesus.
Thank you Holy Spirit.
Thank you Taylor Ashley.
Thank you Petra.
Thank you Daddy.
Thank you Francis.
And thank you prophetic, magazine clipping.
